12/17/15 Win or Not Win, No Try There Is

A long time ago (like, 3 weeks) in a coliny farr, farr away, the Farce awakened and the icy hawkish Dark Side prevailed 7-5 against the Woodie rebels. The combined strength of Jean-Luc Skywalker, Fitts Vader, ChewBrownie, and Obri-Wen Nickobi was not enough to overthrow the Empire. The Woodies were left waiting for the rerelease of The Return of the Jason.

12/14/15 Sheepish Woodies

"Ewe just never know what's going to happen in the B League," commented Little Bro Woodie, who lost ownersheep of the game in a baaaad 3rd period. Woodies faced hardsheep, getting fleeced 6-4 by the hayseed Vermont Law Shepherds. Woodies' shear tenacity could not ram home a victory, and they ended up being put out to pasture. "Maybe it's just a lack of leadersheep," said fan Mary Hadalittlelamb, "but we wool have to do better to win the championsheep."

12/7/15 Woodies Stir Controversy

To the consternation and bewilderment of the arena's political establishment, the Woodies called for a "Total and complete ban" on all opposing hockey players, not just the ones beating the Woodies. Accused of divisive rhetoric rooted in hatred and violence, a Woodies spokesman responded "Well, it is hockey." Widely denounced, Woodies defied conventional wisdom and rose in the polls, beaitng the extremist Bears 5-2. 

11/30/15 Bad Climate Deal For Woodies

In a historic meeting between major world nations, Woodies were not able to deliver on their hocKyoto Protocol commitments, dropping 5-3 to LookOutTheWorldIsTotallyF****edUp.  WIth only 7 fossil fool skaters, Woodies did mange to cause a man-made tempertaure rise with a partial comeback, but could do little to save the planet. "People keep talking about greenhouse gases," said high scorer and activist Hey Paradise, "but we're just trying to reduce emissions on the bench."

11/19/15 Beat Fresh

On the same day disgraced Subway pitchman Jered Fogle was sentenced to 15 years in jail, the disgraced sub-par Woodies were sentenced to 15* goals against. In Jered’s case it was for molesting, in the Woodies’ for being molested. The beefed up Northstars relished peppering the Woodies, who just could not cut the mustard. “We were so inspired by Jared’s story of weight loss**, we confused it with skate loss,” hammed May O. Twice, the only Woodie to sandwich in a goal. Up to this point in the season the Woodies had been on a roll, so this was a cold cut to the ego. Despite the pickle they found themselves in, Woodies still advertised their famous foot long product.

       *rounded to nearest multiple of 5
       **he always tried to get into smaller pants

11/12/15 Woodies Tie One On

"Some leaders like to fire people, I fire pucks." Down 5-4 in the polls with 2 minutes left, Mattie B (aka The Brownald) suited up, put on his favorite hat trick, and trumped every apprentice on the ice. He donned a power tie that took the form of a 5-5 result against the Rabbits. The eccentric mogul magnanimously credited the little people like Ray & Norm who also scored.

11/5/15 Winter Is Coming

Hell dropped 97 degrees as the Woodies took the throne in Westwoodstockeros, with a 3-0 record after a 7-2 battle victory over the Hawks. "Arya kidding me?" griped an opponent upon that stark realization. Credit goes to Kolin the Keeper who kept out the wildlings by impersonating a wall of impenetrable ice. Responding to a prediction the Woodies will go undefeated this season, a more rational observer commented, "You know nothing Jean Luc."

10/29/15 Two Timer Woodie Danghui.svg

While the Communist Party of the People’s Republic of China loosened its one-baby policy, the Commonplace Party of the Peabrain’s Republic of Woodiedom loosened its one-goal policy. Long time activist Lay Lice (Chinese pronunciation Ray Rice) immediately took advantage by stealing 2 goals in the 6-2 mostly peaceful demonstration against the Fighting Swan Party of the Lawyers’ Republic of South Royalton.

10/22/15 Opening Ode from Reverend Ray

Seven strong WOODIES showed to play.

No more no less and the goalie stayed.
Collin is strong. A WOODIE he be.
The rest of you had to pee?
We know of travels and unborn things.
Someone there and eyes with rings.
WOODIES win so let it ride.
I'm here at Bentleys six boys by my side.

2/26/15 Woodies Clinch Round Robin Spot

Only 3 teams qualified for the coveted round robin post season, a new format designed to protect the self esteem of the bottom 3 teams in the 7-team B league. The flaccid Woodies limped to the end of the regular season in listless style with a soft 8-1 loss to the Northstars. Woodies look forward with unbridled anticipation to the round robin, where it is rumored there will be a Participation Certificate and Trophy for each player, praise and encouragement, and little blue pills. 

2/19/15 Fifty Grades of Play

Woodies starred in their own sado-masochistic movie tonight. The poorly written plot started out with the Woodies doling out corporal punishment and completely dominating the Ice Jocks with a 5-1 whipping in the second period, including spankings from both Boots. But apparently determined to take what they give, the aroused Woodies gave in to a highly distasteful submission fantasy, getting tied up (twice) and then beaten to a 8-6 final. Exactly the kind of smut that should be banned from the arena.

2/12/15 Woodies Embroiled in Hooker Scandal

“This can’t be happening,” lamented respected local businessman Normally Fragrant. Highly damaging rumors circulated that after losing to the Rabbits 7-4 (despite winning the second period and holding a 4-4 lead), the Woodies held a private party attended by a bevy of hookers. And it didn’t stop there, as further investigation uncovered reports that in addition to hookers, there were also knitters, weavers and quilters unabashedly parading their skills. “F*** the what,” commented Gray Lice, “How Woodies spend their time off ice is nobody’s business.”

*Shown here without hookers

2/5/15 Woodies Claim Victory Amid Controversy

Woodies faced widespread criticism for claiming victory despite being slightly outscored 11-4 against Lookout. "Hey, we were just following the lead of our favorite newscaster Brian Williams," explained the Dave O'Riley factor. "We regret overstating our accomplishments," he continued, "but we were taking enemy fire, and I guess minor details like the score got lost in the fog of memory." 

1/29/15 Woodies Winning Ways What!?

The Woodies' 4 game winning streak attracted attention across the league, as well as damaging allegations. Woodies vehemently denied deflating the puck on Dave Bouthillier's spectacular sudden death OT score (prompting the goalie to "spike" the net) in a 7-6 victory against Lookout. The team refuted accusations about bugging the opponents' bench during a 4-2 win over the Bears. A spokeswoodie also declared that there is "no clear evidence" of performance enhancing steroid use by on-fire Matty B in a 9-1 flogging of the Swans. Woodies clarified that their Ray Rice is a different person than the Ravens running back, and despite all their similarities, his only involvement in abuse is against other teams. 

1/15/15 Je Suis Woodie

After an attack by radicalized Northstars, Woodies came together as a nation to fight intolerance and prevail 8-7 in overtime. Scoring came from 5 different players (2 each for Young, Young Bouthillier & Old Bouthillier and 1 each for Fitts & Gogan). Proving that Woodies can pass, and not just pass out, all but one goal was assisted, and 5 of 8 goals recorded double assists. Down 2-0 early in the game, Woodies clawed back tenaciously only to give up a 7-6 lead at the end of the third period. Jason exercised his right to free expression, expressing the winning shot with 12 seconds left in overtime. Vive les Woodies.

1/8/15 Woodies Run Out of Gas

Despite record low gas prices, Woodies were unable to reach the refill pump in a 7-2 loss to the Teenage Rabbits. Woodies drove older, Cuban-style vehicles, in contrast to the hot rods of the baby bunnies. On the plus side, Woodies stepped on the gas to produce twice the number of penalty minutes as the youth group.

12/18/14 Woodies Hacked

The prolonged silence from the Woodies Communications Office was finally explained by a massive cyber attack on its website. Unconfirmed reports point to a rogue state that mistook Woodie star Chris Gogan for Seth Rogen the fictional dictator assassin. Woodie emails and private conversations were leaked widely, including a disturbing video of naked yoga in the locker room, and a nasty rumor that in tonight's game the Woodies were up 3-0 against the Ice Hawks before squandering the lead to lose 6-4. Boots Jong-un (son of Boots Jong-il) was hacked a bit during the game, but not as bad as the blast he suffered from BoomBoom friendly fire.

7/15/14 Woodie Come Home

After alienating an entire town by "The Decision" to leave for the heat of the south, LeDave Chez won over citizens with "The Return" to Woodland. "I'm here to claim a championship," he cavalierly explained, apparently unaware that summer league has no championship. Scoring 3 goals in Woodies' victory over the Rabbits, he was upstaged by LeDave Boots' highlight film dazzle-dangle shoot-out goal.

7/7/14 The Few, The Proud, The Woodies

Like a shrinking accordian, the Woodie roster went from 3 full lines to seven skaters. Seven legendary* warriors who overcame 3-1 and 4-2 shortfalls to tame the Bears 7-5.

*in their own minds, but no one else's

7/3/14 Woodies Fireworks Fizzle

Woodies came to put on a show. They sparkled and exploded for goal after goal, pulling out every trick in the Woodie arsenal, every Woodie bottle rocket and every Woodie black snake, but all that flash petered out into a 1 goal loss to Yogi Bear.

6/30/14 Woodies Toss It In

Woodies staged an epic third period comeback, fighting through a 6-4 deficit to bring it to 6-6 against the Rabbits. Then with seconds on the clock, Bugs Bunny let loose a high slap shot. Did it go in? Was it a tie? A loss? Woodies officially called it a Toss.

 

6/24/14 Monster Game for Woodies

Out of the nuclear ashes of the previous night's game arose a prehistoric megaton creature wreaking havoc on anything that dared get in its way.  Brushing aside a barrage of deadly shots, Woodzilla cleared a destructive 5-2 path through the attacking Grizzly Bears. 

Oh no. They say he's got to go. Go, go, Woodzilla.

6/23/14 Extremists Run Rampant

Just when you thiought the Middle Arena couldn't get any more confusing, a previously unknown sect of religious zealots known as the Killer Rabbis gain enough strength to overrun the ethnic Wu'udis and subject them to a ruthless 11-2 beating. They attacked with surprising speed and strict enforcement of a brutal interpretation of Refaria Law. Wu'udi Prime Minister Nouri al-Moulton refused to comment on the record.

3/20/14 Woodies Occupy Fifth Place

With only one sub in its military arsenal, Woodies were russian all over the ice to take over uK2raine. Sanctions against Woodies headgear were ineffective, as Vladinorm Frates commandeered a hat trick, comrades Jasenko & Mattushka each got 2/3 of a hat trick, and former KGB agents Moultonov & Callahanovitch got 1/3 of a hat trick. Responding to claims that the annexation of 5th place is illegal by international law, Ivan Tokarski exclaimed, "Oh Crimea river. Such charges are just jealosy of our position at the tippity top of the bottom half of the league."

3/10/14 Woodies Flawless

Woodies shut down and shut out the Vermont Law School FIghting Swans, not even allowing one shot. In a remarkable display of skills, Woodies never dropped a pass, never got out of position, never let the opposition get a breakout. In fact, Woodies never made one mistake the entire evening. Woodies brushed off as irrelevant the minor detail that the VLS Swans were on school break and forfeited the game.

3/3/14 Woodies Advance to Consolation Round

Nominated for the Hockey Oscars, Woodies dressed up for the gala event with high hopes based on their 12* Years A Hockey Player experience. Woodies trailed 4-1 in the voting early on, rebounded to a 7-6 lead, before tragically conceding Best Score to the Ice Hawks 10-7. No Woodie won Best Actor in a Leading Hockey Role, but unexpectedly each team member was awarded Best Athletic Supporter.

*or more. A lot more. Not that you’d know by seeing them play.

2/27/14 WOODIES CLINCH PLAYOFFS

Woodies beat the Northstars in a see-saw 9-7 victory, and set a new record in club history, qualifying for the playoffs for the 11th year in a row. “It’s a miracle,” said team janitor J Chester. “The fact that all teams in the league make the playoffs in no way diminishes this remarkable achievement.” Unbeknownst to either squad, Chester staged a commercial for LifeAlert® during the game, delighting all with a slow motion senior citizen move demonstrating the phrase, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

2/20/14 Killer Rabbits Nibble Woodies to Death

Well, not death, but a 6-3 loss. More on the game here.

2/13/14 Hot.Cool.Woodies.

Woodies USA added to their medal count with a 7-5 victory over the scandal plagued nation of Vermont Law. While certain Woodie LGBT sympathizers boycotted, comrade Riley ignored terrorist threats to score twice, and the blind squirrel found two more nuts. Vladinick O’Putin dictated 3 assists, and apparatchik Young Jason served as an uncorrupt netminder. Frenzied fans remain delirious as they anticipate the upcoming bout between Woodies and Pussy Riot.

2/6/14 Woodies Don't Do The Math

Playing on a frozen Euclidian plane, competing scholars theorized a complex equation debunking the Fibonacci sequence, with Woodies scoring 2, 1, 0 by period and Lookout scoring 3, 3, 5. The resulting formula calculated out to an irrational 11-3 number. The mathematical proof was summarized as ƒ[U]Ͽқ * Ŧhīϩ = {ƩΗịԎ}

1/30/14 Boots & Two Hats

The Woodies Modeling Agency dug deep into their wardrobes and created a dazzling ensemble to defeat the dowdy Ice Hawks 8-4. The fashion-obsessed Woodies got all dressed up and apparently had somewhere to go, as both Boots and Brownie showed off their dapper hat tricks. Boomer accessorized with three tres chic assists. HomeDresser brought his unique style sensibility to his snappy walk-off into the penalty box. The gala event once again proved that the Woodies really are too sexy for their jockstraps.

1/23/14 O Baby Baby

Woodies ended the second period tied 2-2 against K2, then channeled Justin Bieber to go completely out of control. They made beliebers out of their opponents in an unbelieberble 6 goal third period rampage. Joshtin Robieber resisted arrest and any attempts to slow him down on the ice. "Youth celebrity can do strange things to people," observed archaic veteran Willy Elbow. Woodies celebrated the victory with a customary drag race home in their yellow Lamborghinis. 

1/16/14 Woodies Go Nuts

Woodies declawed the Bears 7-3 due entirely to the go-ahead goal early in the second period by Norm "The Animal" Frates. Commenting about the event, Frates said "Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut," which made no sense since squirrels never play hockey indoors at night.

1/6/14 Woodies Diplomacy

While Dennis Rodman and a group of no-name washed up basketball players headed to North Korea to play for dictator Kim Jong-Un's birthday, Josh Robman and a group of no-name washed up hockey players headed to the North Star where they defeated the Evil Empire 5-3.  Woodies claimed the exhibition was "just about the sport" and had no political implications despite their nuclear attack.

1/2/14 Woodies Win Penalty Competition

In classic fashion, Woodies gave up a 5-4 lead at the end of the second period to lose 9-5 to the Killer Rabbits. Despite the so-called "official" score, Woodies easily gained the most penalty minutes, with a penalty "hat trick" by J Boom Boom.

12/16/13 Woodies Beyounce Back

Woodies questioned what the big deal is about Beyonce’s “no promotion” marketing approach in releasing her latest album. “We’ve been using No Promotion to sell game tickets for 10 [expletive deleted] years,” griped Woodies spokesperson Jeyoungce. “Like she invented that?” Woodies did break new ground by actually winning a game 4-2 against da Bears. Replays of the game quickly became an internet phenomenon with an unprecedented 000,000,001 downloads.

12/12/13 Woodies Lose Direction Toward North Star

At the same time Michael Jordan’s shoes were sold for $100,000, Bill Elberty’s jersey went on the block for $0.00. Unfortunately, the minimum bid was not met and the item was removed from auction, and fumigated. In other news, the Woodies lost 5-2 against the Northstars in a geriatric contest pitting dementia against alzheimers, though no one could figure out which team represented which.

12/5/13 Woodies Lead for 2 and 7/8 Periods

Ahead 5-1 and 6-2, Woodies pulled off an amazing last minute Cleveland Browns-worthy 7-6 defeat. With the absence of spiritual leader Nicknelson O’Brimandela, Woodies were not able to hang on to the lead. Woodies fought for justice with a routine hat trick from J Robnelson, a double from Mattson Browndela, and a beauty from Jean-Nelson Mayndela. The Woodies then appeared to forgive their oppressors, or simply collapse from exhaustion.

11/18/13 Who Killed VLS?

Conspiracy theories abound about who was really behind the 9-2 death of the charismatic and glamorous Vermont Law School Fighting Swans. Many Woodies fans believe there is a lot we have not been told. Was it mafia hitman Erik “The Concrete Mixer” Moulton with his 2 goals? Or dictator of the puck Fidel Riley with his 2? Maybe J. Edgar Robinhoover with his 2? Or was it one of the lone goalmen, Jack-Ruby Maynard, Mattkita Krushbrown, or Lee Frates Oswald who iced VLS? We’ll never know for sure, but the speculation won’t stop for the next 50 years.

11/14/13 Woodies Crack Up

Taking inspiration from embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford, Woodies showed dogged determination and obstinance as they unsuccessfully tried to crack the code to beat Lookout. Woodies took the first crack at scoring and slipped the puck through the cracks a couple more times to win the first period 3-1. In the second the Woodies fell into a drunken stupor, unable to crack down on the opponents’ 7 (not a typo) unanswered goals to put the score at 8-3. Woodies cracked the whip again in the third, launching a dramatic comeback, only to be stymied by a defective cracked clock that ran out of time with 8-5 showing on the board. Crack shot Josh Robincrack had to crack a smile about his first hat trick.

11/4/13 Bad Exchange for Woodies

Woodies’ offense against the Ice Hawks worked about as well as the government’s newly launched online health insurance exchange. “Yes, we’re having some minor glitches,” said Jason Young about the 8-1 loss, “but other than passing, shooting, positioning, speed, stick skills and defense, we did pretty well.” Woodies failed to provide universal coverage of Ice Hawk attackers, and despite repeated efforts were not able to sign up for a completed pass. Front office, back office, and all management layers in between continue to struggle to insure the health of the Woodies franchise.

10/31/13 Woodies Inspire Red Sox

Led by Matt “Big Papi” Brown who connected for 3 important scores, Woodies overcame K2 at home for the first time in 95 days. Going from worst to first in one week, the rag-tag bunch played like a team and exhibited an actual power play with four (4) consecutive passes in a row (none to the other team). Taken together the teammates came up with almost enough facial hair to constitute one bushy beard. The ensuing parade to Bentleys brought out the fan.

10/24/13 Bears Shut Down Woodies

Sporting new jerseys and low turnout, Woodies followed Washington’s lead tonight, shutting down against the Bears. “Hey, we were just trying to live up to our government’s standards,” stated JL Maynard. “We’re very patriotic.”

7/9/13 Does a Bear Sh** on the Woodies?

The answer, apparently is yes, in overtime. After trading leads more than 1,000 times during regulation to a 7-7 tie, Woodies adopted last weekend's plane crash and train wreck tactics to lose in the first OT minute.

7/3/13 Woodies Enhance Team McGee Self Esteem

With many Woodies as accessible as Edward Snowden, the remaining few, the remaining proud, the remaining exhausted threw everything they had at Team McGee, and even went into the third period tied. Then the Woodies' altruistic nature took over, and the opponents felt a lot better about themselves.

7/2/13 Woodies Feed Rabbits

Woodies vehemently denied spying on league members via bugged offices, tapped phones, or Bentley eavesdropping.  Woodies do admit to being involved in the NSA*, but they pointed to the fact that they lost to the Rabbits as "proof" that they could not have been spying on their operations.

*no strings attached

6/27/13 Woodies Beat Bears

Woodies did everything they could to throw away a 5 goal lead in the third period, cutting the score from 7-2 to 8-7.  They tried to give the whole thing away, but made a typical Woodie mistake to get stuck with a 9-7 win.

6/25/13 Near Victory

Woodies followed the same game plan deployed by the Bruins, waiting until the very end to collapse. The low-scoring defensive battle against Team McGee was tied 7-7 at the end of regulation time, and it took less than 2 minutes of overtime to attain sudden death. The game marked the comeback of fan favorite #17 Chris Nichols after a year-long unexplained absence. He attributed the Woodies’ success to the team’s “unique off season training regimen,” but declined to elaborate further.

3/18/13 Woodies Close Out Season on High Note

Unfortunately, that high note was identified as the anguished cry of defeat, as Woodies were shown the semi-finals exit door by the Northstars 7-3. Strategically behind by 6-1 in the third period, the eight diehard Woodies made their comeback move to 6-3, but slightly miscalculated and ran out of time to put in the other planned goals. Woodies wrapped up a season that was up & down. And sideways & diagonal & forward & reverse. Fans celebrated as a long-term contract was inked with goalkeeper Jon Tokarski, who was picked up in mid-season. Woodies dedicated the season to comrades listed as MIA – Rice, Bacon, & Nichols – and expressed the fervent hope that they will be found and returned to the team.

3/14/13 Market Hits New High on Woodie Victory

Woodies playoff Round One victory. Historic market high. Coincidence? Not likely, given the odds of the Dow Jones hitting 14,538 on the exact same day Woodies hit 00,004 and K2 hit 00,003. Mattie Brown invested 00,002 goals, JL Maynard kept his profitable steak alive, and Dave Boots scored a capital gain. Interim coach DBoy Chesthair took credit for the win, dodging charges of insider blading.

3/7/13 Worldwide Woodie News

There was major activity on the world scene this week as Woodie rulers successfully beat off a Fighting Swans legal challenge 7-4. Hugo Chavez Geiger passed the puck for 2 socialist, anti-American assists, then passed away. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un Brown continued to be a two-goal nuclear threat, assisted by Dennis Rodman O’Brien. Not to be outdone, fellow axis of evil comrade Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Maynard also counted for two jihadist goals. Xi Jinping Elberty took over both the Chinese leadership and the offensive zone with a goal and an assist, while Cuban Fidel Castro Moulton launched enough pucks to create a missile crisis. Italian Silvio Berlusconi Bouthillier evaded taxes and opponents on his way to scoring. Syrian dictator of the crease Bashar Al Assad Tokarski rejected 27 shots on goal and the opposition’s demands for reform. Ex-Pope Benedictus Chester IV proved that miracles do in fact happen, scoring another cannonized shot from the holy point.

2/28/13 Woodies Sequester a Win

Unable to reach a compromise and deadlocked at 7-7 against the Ice Hawks, Woodies sequestered a thrilling overtime victory. Towering defenseman Zjohno Chara-ster sequestered a blistering 14 MPH shot that found its way almost to the very back of the net. Woodies sequestered a triple double with Moulton-Brown-Maynard each sequestering 2 goals, while Boots sequestered a hamstring pull, and the refs sequestered the cleanest game ever played. Leaving the deciding goal until overtime avoided any question of a Woodies premature sequestration. 

 2/21/13 Woodies Shoot Lookout Intruders

Woodies were reeling from another controversy surrounding a popular sports hero, as the player known alternatively as "Boots" or "Blade Runner" used his carbon fiber weapon to take 5 deadly shots that all hit their mark. Whether this was premeditated murder is pending in court, but it is confirmed that Lookout died an 8-6 death. The incident proved conclusively that Blade Runnner Boots can indeed hit the broad side of a bathroom door. 

2/20/13 Meteor Shower Hits Woodies

Experts had a difficult time explaining how the meteor shower hitting Russia extended its reach all the way to the Woodies, who shattered like broken glass in the face of a K2 9-0 explosion.  Astrophysicist Bell El Burtie hypoothesized that the gravitational pull on the puck-shaped asteroid favored K2, no matter which team initiated the pass.

2/14/13 Woodie You Be My Valentine?

Woodies experienced no loss of power as their engines caught fire in a Cruise to a 7-5 Triumph against K2. While half the Woodies team stayed home in futile hopes of acheiving a lucky Valentines Day, Rave Diley led the Carnival with a hat trick, and two goals "went to Jered." Woodies had felt at sea after the surprise resignation of their spiritual minder Pope Bacondictus XVI.

2/7/13 Woodies Pull Out Big Guns

Exercising their Second Amendment rights, Woodies generated heavy firepower in a 7-5 victory over the Killer Rabbits.  Even without automatic weapons Woodies launched 45 shots, and substituted backchecking for background checks.

1/31/13 Clock Runs Out Before Woodies Win

Woodies dominated the second period with four goals, but found themselves behind 6-4 to the Bears in the third.  Just when the Woodies were about to launch a massive counterattack, the timekeeper unfairly let the time run out.

1/21/13 Woodies Emulate Patriots

Taking inspiration from the Brady Bunch, Woodies squandered multple scoring opportunities, collapsing 6-2 against the Northstars. The friendly encounter involved peppy play on both sides, as well as two game ejections. The confusing saga surrounding Manti Te'o'brien continued, with no clear answers as to whether the online or on ice relationship was with a real or fake hockey player who may or may not be dead or alive, if that's what he is. 

1/18/13 Woodies Come Clean on Oprah

After a decade of spinning tenacious denials, Woodies back-peddled to confess their rampant use of performance enhancing drugs. How else could you explain their success, including tonight’s 11-4 loss to the Ice Hawks that could have gone either way? Woodies’ admission to a combination of EPO-Viagra-Cialis-Levitra and Long Trail transfusions may result in their being stripped of the 2011 Tour de Union Arena title, and brings into question doping levels within the entire B League, commonly known to have a high number of dopes. The WoodStrong Foundation charity for survivors of mediocre adult ice hockey expressed disappointment but determination to ride it out.

1/7/13 Woodies Tie One On

In a breakthrough performance Scott Terminator Bacon kept the Woodies alive against the crafty old Lookout codgers, ending in a 3-3 tie.  Asked to comment on the adage that a tie is like kissing your sister, injured reserve player and long-distance team reverend R. Rice responded, "It depends on the sister.  I remember one time [content ce                                                                 nsored]. So you can see, a tie isn't necessarily lame." What is officially lame is Psy's rendition of Gangam Style, as evidenced by his Times Square New Years gig, but that did not stop O'B from flaunting it WoodieStyle.

 

1/3/13 Woodies’ Holy War Goes Down in Flames

In a week when Middle Eastern news network Al Jazeera purchased a US cable television network in order to cover more Union Arena B League games, Woodies waged jihad against the imperialist demon Ice Hawks. The jihad backfired 7-5, but Woodie martyrs sacrificed their blood, sweat & beers in the sacred battle and swore revenge. 

12/20/12 Mayans Proven Correct, World Ends

Scientists were unconvinced about the predicted apocalypse, but the ancient Woodie tribe encountered a doomsday scenario in overtime against K2. According to the Mayan calendar, the Woodies seemed to be facing the end during the second period trailing K2 by 7-3. Defying the prophets, Woodies experienced the rapture by clawing back to an 8-8 tie...when the world, or at least regulation time, ended.  45 seconds into overtime K2 proved that the world ends not with a whimper, but a shot.

12/13/12 Bunnies Nibble Woodies to Death

Woodies' pest contol skills were not quite enough to terminate the Killer Rabbits in a 7-6 non-victory. Stevie Wonder put 3 pucks in the rabbit hole, assisted on all three by Jason Playmaker. In goal Elmer Bacon turned away 34 viscious rodent invasions.

12/3/12 Monday Night Football

Woodies blocked and tackled their way to a win against da Bears with a score of one touchdown to one field goal.  The 7 points came from 6 different players, while the Baconator turned away over 30 Bear attacks.  Woodies also won the penalty flag count, including one geigerantuan smackdown.  It was a sold out stadium with attendance at 00,004.

11/29/12 Woodies Fall Off Fisical Cliff

Woodies were not able to come to an agreement on spending cuts, tax rates on the wealthy, or hockey scores as the Northstars claimed a "mandate" in their razor thin 9-2 alleged victory. Both parties hardened their positions, a standard tactic for any upstanding Woodie. "There's a real problem with the deficit and something has to be done," noted Monsieur Bouthilllllier. "Our scoring deficit, I mean."

11/12/12 Woodies Resign In Scandal

Woodies failed to live up to their C.I.A.* status, falling 5-2 to Vermont Law School. With eight C.I.A.** skaters and one C.I.A.*** goalie, Woodies stalked the Swans and exhibited inappropriate behavior toward the refs. Woodies resigned from the biography being written about them, following the lead of General Petraeus, one of the active woodies in government. Asked for advice on biographer relations, Petraeus said simply, “C.I.A.****”

* Central Intimidation Agency
** Comrades In Arms
*** Completely Insane Athlete
**** Cash In Advance

11/8/12 Woodies Not Voted Into Winning Office

The Woodies snatched defeat from the jaws of... absolutely certain defeat in a 1-9 score against Lookout. This was the triumphal return of Chester and O'Brien, who were clearly the keys to turning the team around after 3 victories. "Now we're back on track," was the common refrain in the locker room. 

10/18/12 Wondrous Woodie W

The NHL lockout drove worldwide fans to WoodieNation, and the season opener did not disappoint.  Sizzlin Scott Bacon fried up a near-shutout in his first-ever game in goal, and the Geiger counted 2 goals and 3 assists in an 8-4 mauling of the Bears. JMikula drilled in 3 goals and performed dentistry on an opponent.  JYoung invited friendly banter and horseplay from another. Woodies hope to fill up the roomy bench for the next game.

6/25/12 Woodies Fight Immigrant Rabbits

The Supreme Court of Woodies tonight struck down the Killer Rabbits in a 6-1 decision. Illegal rabbit immigration policy has long been controversial, especially the proposed permanent legal pathway for children of illegal rabbits brought to the Union Arena as young bunnies. According to Justice Nicholas O’Woodie, “These Killer Rabbits have been overrunning our rinks for years and taking American jobs. We’re putting them on ice.”

4/29/12 Woodies Excellent Canadian Adventure

An Almost-All-Star B League combined team playing under the Woodies banner clawed their way, in order, to a tie, a loss, and a win in their annual assault on Montreal.  Behind 4-2 in the first game with less than 3 minutes remaining, Justin sobered up enough to put two past Ruskies' goalie Ivan Stoppalot for the victorious tie. The much anticipated game pitting Woodies against Beavers had the Woodies prematurely climaxing with the first goal and then going limp to an 8-2 collapse.  In their winning game Woodies proudly beat a hungover, short-staffed, and ancient Guard Dogs back-up team.  Highlights on and off the ice included Hank's traditional carbombing, Bubba's bloodcurdling yet largely ineffective war-cry, Garren's florescent chick-magnet trousers, and the HeartyMartyBodycheckTM.

3/15/12 Woodies Uphold Finalist Status

Woodies abruptly brought their Dynasty to a close after a one-year reign over the renowned Union Arena Hockey League B Division. Despite getting the first goal, despite the packed house of six crazed Woodie fans, despite the fight to the death spirit of the Woodie Brotherhood, the Woodie Jedis fell to the Northstar evil empire 7-4. Woodies public relations department (and the league-issued t-shirts) emphasized the team's "Finalist" status over the "Lost in the Finals" aspect of the situation. Whether at the top of the ladder or in the basement, the Woodies abide: friendship, camaraderie, joy of hockey.

3/12/12 March Madness Woodiestyle

Woodie wishes came true by the dozen, as the upstanding lads pillaged the talented Ice Hawks 12-2. Scoring came from each team member except the guy who had to write the website article. Contributing to the enhanced Woodie performance was sustained passing, firm forechecking, stiff defense, unbending goaltending, rugged good looks, dumb luck, and several pregame Jacksons for the refs. Tension mounts for the inexorable season finale showdown against the Northstars on Thursday, when the Woodies will play hard for the fan. 

3/8/12 Woodies Bulldoze

In this episode, MythBusters set out to examine the widely held belief that JJ Boom Boom Youngster's DNA only allows him to employ the supersonic slapshot. The theory was shot down spectacularly in one stranger than fiction shift consisting of a hat trick of wrist shots. Ripley's Believe It Or Not was notified. Woodies advanced in the playoffs with a 6-0 victory over the Killer Rabbits.

3/1/12 Woodies Make Playoffs!

Only the top ten teams in the ten team league make it into the playoffs. Only the top website in the league would use the same lame joke ten years in a row. Woodies clinched the second seed by overcoming a small but stalwart Ice Hawk crew 4-3.

2/23/12 Woodies Reign In Rabbid Rabbits

Woodies called for a formal investigation into who fed steroids to the Killer Rabbits. Woodies pulled out an eventual 4-2 win but struggled to overcome the ferocious and speedy little rodents.  A festive exchange of civilities and mirth-filled banter facilitated a hearty show of jolly spirit in the corner late in the game. 

2/16/12 Avian Flu Hits Woodies

Angry Birds of Vermont Law School uncaged their feathery fury to peck the Woodies to death 8-4. Even with an over-crowded squabbling bench of two entire lines, the Woodies were not able to pluck the plumage of the flying flappers, nor clip the wings of the fowl-playing yellow-helmeted-peckerbird. Due to its dignified editorial policy against items in bad taste, this news source will refrain from saying that this week the Woodies showed about as much life as Whitney Houston. Nevertheless, win or lose, for the Woodies hockey is the Greatest Love of All.

2/9/12 7 to 1 Odds

7 Woodie skaters and 1 goalie racked up 7 goals and let in 1 against the Nonames. Despite, or possibly due to, the chronic absence of jersey number 17*, the Woodies were able to put 71** shots on goal, 17% of which came from 71 year old Homey Dresser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*allegedly jumped bail & fled to Florida

**not really but needed for the story

1/30/12 Lookout Woodies

In a pitched battle through two periods, Woodies collapsed harder than Newt Gingrich in the Florida primary. The eight grandiose Woodies couldn't keep up the attack ads in the third, and the defense became as open as Newt's marriage.  Woodies did express their support for Gingrich's proposal to colonize the moon, and began scheduling games at Moonion Arena.  After the 7-3 loss to Lookout, a spokeswoodie commented, "May DiVorce be with you."

1/23/12 Woodies Are Back!

About time. The Woodies showed their old spark tonight, reached deep into their wayback machine, and pulled out a massive 11-1 come-from-nowhere down-in-flames up-in-smoke yard-sale loss to the Northstars. This was despite having all 7 of the Woodies' very best skaters present. Scottie brought home the single slab of bacon for the Woodies.

1/19/12 Nightmare on Ice Street

It was Friday the 13th. Well, a few days after. It was a dark, desolate setting. Well, actually pretty well-lit. Eerie music surrounded the area. Well, sort of upbeat really. Unaware they were entering the Arena of Horrors, K2 blithely stepped onto the set of a demon-infested slasher movie, where they encountered not one, but two revengeful ruthless J-A-S-O-Ns. Viewers thought K2 might escape, but they never had a chance. When the bloodbath ended the score was 6-2.

1/9/12 What The Tuck?

Despite being at less than full employment, Woodies managed a 7-2 boardroom victory against The Man. Well, the coed Tuck Business School team. Woodies corporate spokeswoman Miss Informd commented, "OMG!"

1/5/12 Woodies Win Arena Caucuses By Only 8

In the first match of 2012, Mitt Woodney beat Tuck Santorum by the narrowest of margins.  The frontrunners relied on funding from their super PAC or super puck or whatever.  In any case, as a Woodies organization, it was properly registered with the Federal Erection Commission. 

12/29/11 Crash Test Woodies

The wheels fell off in a rematch against Crash & Burn, whose power forward Mike was all Dunn early with a concussion incurred from a friendly fire collision. Woodie J-L Forward took the next body crunch. The game apparently continued after the final whistle on the ice outside the rink, as three (3) (THREE) Woodiemobiles went off the road on the way home. 

12/22/11 Woodies Mourn Loss of Dear Leader

North Korwoodea feared the worst as Kim Jong-Nich-Il once again failed to attend an important political-social-athletic event. Struggling without him, his followers nonetheless pulled off a down-to-the-wire 11-0 victory over Crash & Burn Kingdom. Nuclear woodieweapons were deployed including the Rayoncrack, the Baconbackpass, the J-bomb, and the Dive-o-brien.

12/15/11 Woodies Conclude Military Operations

Peaceful Woodies waived a Mission Accomplished flag after a 10-3 campaign against the pro-war Hawks. Contrary to popular belief, one weapon of mass destruction was discovered, as goaltender & modern day prophet Jeremiah engineered an improvised explosive defense (IED) and unleashed a surge of stickhandling and lazer-guided passing. 

12/8/11 Woodiehunters Bag Bunnies

Killer Rabbits nibbled a single goal while the Woodies devoured 7. BubbaBacon Gump was overheard explaining to Bill ElmerFudd, "Anyway, like I was sayin', rabbit is the fruit of the forrest. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, rabbit-kabobs, rabbit creole, rabbit gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple rabbit, lemon rabbit, coconut rabbit, pepper rabbit, rabbit soup, rabbit stew, rabbit salad, rabbit and potatoes, rabbit burger, rabbit sandwich. That- that's about it."

11/28/11 12 Angry Lawyers

In the case Vermont Law School vs. Woodies, held in Superior Union Court Bth Division, defendant Woodies’ unbeaten streak was upheld. Facts of the case include a 10-3 decision and disorder in the ice court. Woodies counterclaimed for tortious interference and sought triple damages when one barrister “approached the bench.” Arguments on both sides were vigorous and well supported, but Woodies goaltender was more successful in puck estoppel.

11/17/11 Squeaker

Woodies squeaked through a nail-biter with a razor-thin victory over the reincarnated Nonames.  Down to the wire right until the last seconds, Woodies found a way to win 9-1.  Goaltender Jeremiah suffered mental anguish and immediately entered a deep depression when his so-called "Defense" abandoned the zone, tragically letting the shut-out slip away.

11/15/11 Sermon by the Reverend

LAST NIGHT WAS GOOD AND WE WERE GREAT.

WE SHOWED ON TIME, BUT I WAS LATE.

WE SCORED FIRST AND SECOND TOO.

THEN THEY TIED IT UP TWO TO TWO.

JACKEL KILLED ANOTHER SO THREE FOR US.

BUT THEY ADDED ANOTHER WITH SOME FUSS.

I PUNCHED BUT FELL AROUND THIS TIME.

GOT A TIME-OUT TO CRY AND WHINE.

GREEN LANTERN, TWINKLE TOES AND T-MOBILE FLARED,

WE SCORED THE FOURTH AND THEY WERE SCARED.

THEN THE FIFTH PUT THEM TO BED.

WITH NINE SECONDS LEFT I PUNCHED HIS HEAD.

I SPENT THE END PENALTY BOXED.

WOODIES NOW 5 AND 0, THEY ALL ARE SHOCKED.

OH YEA THE PRAYER HERE FOR YOU.

BELIEVE AND TRY IT WILL COME TRUE

11/10/11 Magical Goalie

A five star performance by Jeremagician shut out the Northstars, while the Woodie Wizards up front collected seven supernatural goals..

10/31/11 Halloweeniewoodie

Scary night when your goalie gets injured in warm ups.  Even scarier when the Reverend compares a borrowed water bottle to tasting like a "ginger soaked g-string" - how would he know that?  More frightening still is when the team tries to answer how many Woodies can fit in a single shower (don't ask). And shockingly the Woodies keep their unbeaten record intact, overcoming K2 4-3..

10/20/11 Downfall of the Powerful

An international coalition including NATO and rebel Woodies overthrew and terminated the tyrannical Tuck team by an undisclosed score. Also undisclosed are the exact circumstances of the strongarm business rulers' final demise, as they had been seen alive deep into the first period.  One theory attributes the extermination to a sniper, possibly Nicuammar O'Qadafi. "This is a great day for WoodieNation," commented team spokesman Al Jasira.  "Now we look forward to 42 years of our own autocratic regime of corrupt, bloody, and eccentric power."

10/17/11 Occupy Union Arena

Woodies joined the global momentum to stick it to the Man, beating the Cash 2 Burn capitalists 7-2. Woodies contributed thousands of demonstrators including all of Bill Elberty’s multiple personalities, though referees failed to call penalties for too many men on the ice. Explaining why he joined the Woodies, new teammate Greenlan Tern commented, “A leaderless, vaguely defined group railing hysterically against an unidentified target – what’s not to love?”

7/21/11 Woodies End Summer on a High Note

Up for the game, Woodies played hard throughout but didn't have the thrust to propel them to a happy ending in the climatic game of the summer.  Woodies started slow, mounting repeated assaults, trying to find holes in the opposition, gradually and rythmically building foreplay forechecking, but sputtering out in the 8-1 flaccid result against the Northstars. Attempting to erect a stiff defense, Woodies failed to take matters into their own hands, and could only get satisfactory performance in spurts.  Despite the ins and outs of the summer league, Woodies firmly grasped the idea that these games are the seeds of a great season this coming winter.

Fun Fact:  Cool people ride with their hockey bags

7/19/11 Another Friendly Encounter

Peace and harmony reigned in the friendly get-together in which the Spooner toddlers amiably topped the ageless Woodies 6-1. Geronimo Goalie affably turned away the cordial onslaught of shots, keeping the Woodies happily in the game, more or less, well into the sociable third period, when expressions of affection ran free. One love tap led to another, and soon the heartfelt mutual goodwill became so overpowering that the referees had to separate two lovebirds, fearing they were heading for a civil union ceremony – which would have required more ice time than had been contracted.

7/14/11 Woodies Survive Scandal

Rupuck Murdoch, at 80 nearly as old as senior Woodies, struggled not to crash and burn his

multinational media conglomerate, as the highly profitable Woodies business unit beat Crash & Burn 7-4.  Embroiled in a hacking scandal and amid allegations of bribing ice police, the mogul refused to close down the mainstay Woodies website property. However, in an effort to appease public outcry, he did change the company name from News Corp. to Booze Corp. 

7/10/11 Woodies Hop Over Bunnies

No rabbits multiplied in this game, as only six skaters per team showed.  Woodies squeaked by with an 11-4 win over the Energizer Bunnies, while L'il Frates proved, silly rabbit, hat tricks are for kids.

7/7/11 Goal Deficit Impacts Woodie Win Budget

With the deadline looming to resolve the crisis, Woodies defaulted on their obligations to outscore the competition.  Cumulatively, the Woodies' goal debt numbers in the trillions.  Woodies thought they had reached a negotiating impasse in the first period, but the tax and spend and score Northstar party railroaded legislation through to a 9-3 result. Woodie bonds immediately received junk ratings from the credit agencies, which suited Congressman JL Mayhem just fine. "Our junk is always getting rated. We're Woodies after all."

6/28/11 Everyone Loves Raymond's Goal

A dramatic, poetic, balletic, majestic goal the likes of which have never been seen in the seemingly endless history of the Woodies was artistically created by the Right Reverend Ray off a pass or perhaps missed shot by BadAss Bill.  One-timing the floating disc in mid air from his preferred position at the back door, Ray gracefully worked his hockey magic.  ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and Hockey News were so fixated on the highlight reel that no one noticed the Woodies' 10-1 victory against the Killer Rabbits.

 

6/28/11 Woodies Tie One On

Relying on a deep bench, with numbers approaching the entire population of the Upper Valley, Woodies took on the formidable UVHL team.  Waking up from their initial stupor, Woodies found themselves behind 3-0.  Unleashing their inner Woodies, the team clawed their way back to an eventual 4-4 draw.  Reports of on ice violence were suppressed by the local governmental regime.  The annual Woodies Christmas party was a victory for all concerned. 

6/21/11 Woodies Not Weiners Tonight

Despite the poor off-season timing of Representative Weiner's news events, Woodies salvaged the custom-made story for at least one website entry. Woodies were forced to resign from the victory column after "accidentally" sexting links to lewd photographs of locker room poses, and tweeting only four goals to the Northstars' seven.  Woodies initially floated a story about their account being hacked, but eventually admittted that it was just really cold that day. Teammate Nicky O'Britches said, "This is really hard. Yes, we had to pull out. We faced some stiff challenges."

6/19/11 Woodies Use Bruins Tactics

Taking a page out of the Bruins' epic story, Woodies cleverly lost the summer opener 9-4 to inspire over-confidence by the Spooners Youth Hockey Association. With a roster featuring dads and card-carrying AARP members, Woodies celebrated Fathers Day by keeping the goal differential to one small handful.

 

4/17/11 Woodies Steal Canadian Silver

Another milestone in Woodiehistory as 8 Woodie Warriors crossed the border to capture international medals of the silver variety, in the prestigious Old Guy division of the celebrated Broken Down conference of the illustrious Glory Days (daze) hockey tournament in Montreal.  No permanent injuries were sustained.

 

 

3/15/11 Discovery of Fire. 

            Invention of Wheel. 

              The Printing Press. 

                A Man on Moon. 

                  The Internet.

                Woodies Win Championship

Historians are certain to note among great human acheivements the remarkable march of manifest destiny of the implacable World Famous Woodstock Wodies, from their humble beginnings of an 0-20 season eight years ago to the 2011 Union Arena B League Championship, giving Woodies bragging rights in the Upper Valley mediocre adult hockey scene. The drama intensified in the final three games played three days in a row.  After being sent to the losers bracket by the Northstars, Woodies beat the Ice Hawks convincingly 9-3, putting Woodies back up against the Northstars.  A fierce battle had the Northstars ahead 3-2 but with only 3.2 seconds left the fat lady had to hold her tongue, as the Woodies tied it up...and won the mother-----er in overtime. And because of the double elimination format of the tournament, that meant a second game in a row against the Northstars. Adrenaline boiled as the rivals prepared to do battle for the third time in four games.  And the Woodies honored their name by rising to the occasion to win 4-2.  And the rest, as they say, is history. 

3/10/11 Tsunami Overcomes Woodies

A tidal wave of Northstars deluged the Woodie franchise weakened by short staffing of emergency personnel.  Woodies came close but could not stave off the oncoming torrent in the 6-5 final.  Woodies thus advance to the Loser Bracket, ensuring at least one extra game.

3/9/11 Woodies Exhibit Falconry Skills

The indomitable Ice Hawks were tamed by Woodies as the ferocious flying birds of prey became the hunted, and the rapacious raptors-bloodthirsty buzzards-ravenous ravens fell to earth in an 8-2 crash landing.

3/2/11 Two and a Half Bipolar Hockey Players

Tired of pretending they’re not special, not “total bitchin’ rock stars from Mars,”* Woodies climbed on the Charlie Sheen F18 bandwagon, acquired tiger blood, and melted the faces off the Fighting Swans 9-1. Asked to describe exactly what it’s like to be Woodie, Evan C. Sheenly humbly stated, "It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view."* Speaking for the entire Woodie clan he went on to say, “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”*

*Unedited quote

                                                              

2/17/11 Who Are the Woodies?

Plugging directly into IBM supercomputer Watson via the ether-cyber-inter-electro-sphere, WoodieBorgs upset long time Jeopardy!Arena’s undefeated human champion Northstars. Woodies more than Daily Doubled the opponent’s score, with a 7-3 result at the buzzer. Responding in the required form of a question, C. G. Nichols elegantly articulated, “What the heck?”

2/14/11 Story Time

Once upon a time there was a beautiful* young** Elbertian hockey player named Billylocks.  One day Billylocks went for a walk along Route 4 and came upon a lovely arena.  Since there were hardly any players on either team, Billylocks went on the ice and tried to put the hardened black rubber disk into the Tuck goal.  First he shot too high.  Then he shot too low.  Then he shot too wide.  Then he shot at a guy's shinpad.  Then he shot at another guy's skate.  Then he shot with his eyes closed.  Then he shot at the glass boards behind the goal.  (Can you feel the tension building?)  Then he backed off all the way behind his own blue line and shot JUST RIGHT into the Tuck goal, and the Woodies won 6-3 and lived happily ever after.  The end.

*meaning scary

**meaning old

2/9/11 Woodies Come Back, Almost

Doubling his cumulative UAHL career goals, J Chara Chester let loose a blistering 10 mph ripper from the point that hit at least 4 players on its way into the net. Woodies then went limp as K2 took a 4-1 lead into the third period, when Woodies stiffened up, found their mojo, and rallied to tie the game 4-4. Tragically, K2 won the ensuing shootout, and even more tragically the fourth period.

2/5/11 Skate Like An Egyptian

Fomenting unrest and revolution on the ice, the Woodie Brotherhood instigated massive protests to destabilize the corrupt Vermont Law regime in a 5-3 uprising. The small cadre of autocratic Fighting Swans refused to transition power peacefully, forcing the Woodie military to crack down. Woodie leader Hosni MuBacon remained in denial.

1/27/11 A Passing Phase

The Woodies passed a lot more than gas tonight. In a radical departure from the past, Woodies passed the puck, sometimes multiple times in a row, frequently to members of their own team.Woodies wouldn't give the youthful Lookout team a free pass, outscoring them 6-2.  "We weren't sure if we could get past these guys," commented past president Woodrow W. Warmwood. "But faced with the threat of a loss, we took a pass."

1/19/11 Hu's In Goal

Building on Obama’s warm welcome of Chinese leaders, tonight Woodies welcomed global superpower Crash & Burn with a warm 10-4 balance of goal surplus, while holding frank discussions acknowledging disputes over crease area sovereignty. Jason Hu Jintao Yung erected puck trade barriers in Woodies territory, and Grasshopper Steadman had a rice paddy hat trick.

1/6/11 Low Scoring Game Goes Awry

In a sustained defensive struggle, Ice Hawks eventually prevailed over the Woodies by one measly paltry skimpy flimsy goal.  Both goalies experienced near shut-outs in the 9-8 final result.  Woodies uncharacteristically* went up 2-0, and then characteristically allowed 5 unanswered goals before coming back to a 7-7 tie, etc. 

*Note: 8 syllables, a Woodie record.

12/15/10 Eighth Wonder of the World

Experiencing acute disorientation and confusion, worldwide Woodies fans wonder exactly WTF is going on with the Woodies getting their 8th win this season against K2.  In an insightful post-game analysis, Andy Brickley stated, "What? Woodies winning? Am I on the right planet?"

12/9/10 Wabbit Hunting

The ASPCA brought suit against Woodies for cruelty to animals in their 7-2 neutering of the Killer Wabbits. Woodies denied wrongdoing, insisting they were only defending themselves against the foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodents with a vicious streak a mile wide. Wookie Dave Wiwey had an Elmer Fudd hat twick, which he called "Vewwy gwatifying."

 

12/2/10 Woodies WikiLeaks

Diplomatic Woodies expressed shock and anger at WoodieLeaks in their defensive end that resulted in a 5-3 loss to the Northstar axis of evil. The only explanation offered by the Woodies was that the Northstars apparently gained access to thousands of classified documents and emails regarding Woodies' playbooks and sophisticated systems. That and the fact that Woodies could only score when the opposing goalie was absent.

11/15/10 Woodies...So Sixy

With sticks on fire, Woodies rose to the occasion to beat off the Nonames in a 7-0 conquest. Woodies initiated firm foreplaychecking and rythmic passing, penetrating deep into the erogenous enemy zone to find a hole in the defense.  Woodies now stand at Six and Oh Oh Oh, proving that hard men are good to find. 

11/10/10 Woodies Take Five

Woodies unleashed a Category 5 storm of shots on the Fighting Swans of Vermont Law School, finding the five hole enough times for a 3-2 win in the five goal game.  Channel 5 News caught the high fiving Woodies celebrating their undefeated 5 wins to date and singing modified Jackson 5 tunes ("ABC, winning's easy as 123...")  The five consecutive freak events reportedly prompted an investigation by British intelligence unit MI5.  Asked if their heads were too big to fit through the door as a result of the victories, player Jason Sprung replied, "No, but Woodies do have trouble fitting other body parts through the door."

11/4/10 Woodies Upend Political Landscape

In a radical shift of power, an obscure Tea Party splinter group calling themselves the Beer Party took control of the House of B League with a 3-1 shellacking of the Lookout administration. Punctuating the revolutionary nature of the event, governor-elect Bill Homedresser noted that the undefeated Woodies' four victories so far this year match the cumulative wins of the first four years of the team. Conservawoodies and Liberawoodies pledged to find ways to work across the ice to enact meaningful legislation and refereeing.

10/27/10 Woodies Toss Traditional Values

To the dismay of the worldwide Woodiecommunity, the so-called "new" Woodies tonight threw overboard any semblance of their heritage, traditions, and deeply held values by winning 11-1 against Crash & Burn, who themselves exhibited the style and panache of Woodies of yore. Despite frequent attempts to undermine the victory, particularly by alleged defenseman JChester, Woodies could not free themselves of the bourgeois desire to score. Rumors of changes in management and coaching staff abound.

10/21/10 Woodies Slay Capitalist Pigs

Undefeated Woodies took revenge on the free market system responsible for the current economic distress by defeating Tuck Business School tonight in a 3-0 class conflict. The future titans of industry took inspiration from French society and went on strike in front of their own cage, allowing the Woodies to overspend in shots on goal. Woodie goalie Geronimo Sideline erected an impenetrable wall against the Wall Street wannabes.

10/14/10 Woodies See Light of Day

In a remarkable parallel to the Chilean miners, Woodies emerged as national heroes after being trapped for 69 days in the deep underground darkness of no hockey.  Surfacing with a 3-2 win over the Ice Squawks, Woodies beat off swarms of reporters, TV producers, and publicity agents desperate for a piece of their story.  Several Woodies sought immediate counseling after realizing that Chambo was credited with both opposing goals.

8/20/10 Writers' Strike Mars Woodies Summer

In a sign of how high the stakes have become, professional sports writers boycotted reporting on the Woodies throughout the summer season.  The negotiating ploy, intended to raise journalists' compensation and even gain a cut of franchise revenues, apparently backfired due to a worldwide lack of attention. Unsubstantiated rumors hold that Woodies won approximately half of the 10 game summer season despite the rampant use of over-qualified free agent ringers brought in from the major leagues.

 

4/18/10 Woodies Win In Canada!

The world-famous Woodies shook the entire adult mediocre hockey universe with a historic 7-1 victory over six inebriated Canadians. The single win in three games more or less sufficed as USA’s revenge for Canada’s Olympic gold medal, even though the Woodies had to recruit a Canadian to complete the task.

An elite team of eight Woodies, carefully selected on the basis of their good looks and ability to stand nearly upright on skates, legally crossed the border to the great northern neighbor. Like lemmings heading out to sea, the Woodies joined Upper Valley teams Zambeauties, Lookout Tavern, and Chubbies in an inescapable annual migration toward barely controlled hooliganism.

Woodies almost swept the weekend, losing the first two games by razor thin margins of 6-1 and 4-0, due entirely to unlucky bounces. Taking pity on the rapidly shrinking roster, the Goose made a last minute charity donation by donning the black and white jersey. Ottawa Alain raised the Woodie game at least two notches, and his hot trophy wife raised a lot of hell throughout the tournament.

In a unique strategic approach, and in direct violation of Obama’s nuclear disarmament policy, one Woodie unleashed a form of eye-watering chemical warfare, forcing all players from the face-off circle. Remarkably no penalty ensued, though the ref did use his helmet as a gas mask. In a disturbing but unrelated incident, an opposing skater previously ejected from the game returned fully unmasked to take a nippy lap around the rink.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. Any unauthorized reading of this entry will result in a game misconduct. What happens in Montreal stays in Montreal, and Woodies categorically deny unfounded rumors regarding poor behavior, alcohol consumption, and transvestite cabarets, including but not limited to Club Mado.

 

3/10/10 Woodies Drive to Bronze

Like a speeding Prius, the Woodies became almost dangerous this season.  Previously known for dependability in occupying the basement, Woodies rode a sticky gas pedal to crash into third place in Union Arena's internationally acclaimed B league, losing 6-2 to the Nonames in the semis.  Team president Mr. Toyowoodi expressed thanks to the fan(s) who stuck by the Woodies through thick and thin ice and malfunctioning accelerators. 

3/7/10 Woodies Advance to Losers Bracket!

In a shrewd strategic move designed to maximize the most possible ice time and adding the possiblity of two or even three more games in the double elimination playoffs, the Woodies orchestrated an artful loss to the Northstars.  To ensure that there was no chance of going straight to the finals, the Woodies meticulously engineered a 5-0 deficit. 

3/4/10 Tsunamiwoodie

Known as natural disasters throughout their existence, the Woodies registered 2-1 on the Richter victor scale against K2. Facing drought and famine in the first period, Woodies vocanically erupted in the second and third with hailstorms of shots, blizzards of passes and floods of forechecking. Cyclone Ray unleashed an avalanche of epidemic hustle in his return to the eye of the Woodie hurricane.

2/25/10 Hockey Olympics

One fan packed Union Arena to see the Olympic hockey playoffs. Wdies overpowered Vermont Law 7-2 to advance to the pre-semi-almost-quasi finals. The internationally diverse team was anchored by Jeremy Brodeur in goal, and both lines went into high production, with the Steve Getzlaf - Jean-Luc Rafalski - Scott Bergeron line dominating play and the Nick O’Vechkin - Tyson Afinogenov - Erik Malkin line exhibiting star talent. Jason Jagr put in a ripper from the point, while Bill Iginla played stalwart defense and John Gonchar looked disoriented.

2/18/10 Old Time Woodies Hockey

Reaching back to their roots, the Woodies found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against a scrappy Noname team.  Woodies jumped to a 2-0 lead, and feeling sorry for the other team handed them 2 goals.  Woodies pulled ahead 3-2, then gift wrapped another for the Nopponents, ending regular time at a 3-3 tie.  Woodies collapsed in the shootout amid allegations of a betting scandal.

2/11/10 ThuperThursday

Quelle spectacle!  What thrills!  Millions of fashionistas tuned into the cultural and athletic catfight known as the SuperGoal, in which the well-built Woodies surmounted the flamboyant Lookout (and I mean look out, mister ) Tavern by one simply divine goal.  Lookout was accessorized with dreamy sweaty ensembles, while the Woodies' designer outfits made thier butts look oh so faboo.

2/4/10 Woodies Play Hard

Woodiies were looking for action tonight, and they got some.  Goals, that is, a hot six of them, versus feisty K2's two.  Penetrating deeply in the zone, the aggressive Woodies' sticks were on fire.  Fully aroused at both ends, the team erected a solid defense and stand up goaltending.  Minimal penalties meant few trips to the naughty box and no premature ejections.

1/28/10 State of Woodies

In an internationally televised State of the Woodie Union address, President Woodrow W. Woodie asserted that the State of the Woodies is Strong.  At least, it's stronger than Toyota's current safety record.  What matters to fans is jobs, jobs, jobs, and Goal Security Director J. Seidling did a job on the Northstars, winning in an overtime shootout.  Regarding global warming, the Top Woodie stated that "the climate has certainly changed" this year, with the Woodies exhibiting a third consecutive month of upward consumer confidence.

1/21/10 No Talent Show Tonight

In a 4-2 loss to the Nonames, talent abandoned the Woodies like Simon Cowell leaving American Idol.  Woodie contestants were voted out of the running due to their off-key timing and uninspired performance.  "American Idol?" questioned Tyson C. League.  "No wonder we lost.  We thought we were competing for American Idle."

1/14/10 Prime Time Battle

Competing viciously for ratings, the Woodies kicked out Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and the Ice Hawks 7-1 from the late night time slot.  Sizzlean Scott made David Letterman's Top Ten list and the Geiger counter caused a minor earthquake, registering 3.0 on the Richter Goal Scoring Scale.

1/7/10 Terrorists Attack Woodies

Security screening at Union Arena increased dramatically after terrorist group al K2 carried out a sinister plot to bomb the Woodies 4-1. Officials stated that Woodie intelligence* failed to "connect the dots" regarding their opponents, who alleged learned to carry the puck in their underwear during ice hockey training in Yemen. It was noted that the Woodies are also known to pack explosive material in their undies.

*there are unconfirmed reports it exists

12/17/09 Woodies Win (yawn)

Another win, first place in the league, 6-1 victory over Northstars, yadda yadda, same old story, different day.

12/10/09 Who Are These Guys?

League officials announced an investigation into the true identities of the Woodies, claiming there is "no freaking way in hell" the Woodies could legitimately be tied for first place in the standings after a 6-2 hard-fought win over the Nonames.  So far no hard evidence supports claims of fraud, but an official vowed to "straighten this Woodie situation out."  Ray Sunshine celebrated birthday 44 with a head first diving shot block, which he later explained was intentional positioning since he forgot to wear his cup.

12/2/09 What the...?

Woodies skated a reckless 30 MPH in a 25 MPH zone just like Tiger Woods, but were fortunate enough not to be pulled over by the refs.  Well, not more than the one time players crashed into each other while neglecting to wear their seat belts.  Woodies beat the Ice Hawks 6-4, but felt guilty doing it without WoodieWoman®, though every single Woodie categorically denied any involvement whatsoever with a Los Angeles cocktail waitress.  In their defense, the Ice Hawks had an excuse in that they were missing star player Maurice "The Rocket" Brands. 

11/19/09 Woodies Inspired by Fans, Groupies

The World Famous Woodstock Woodies faced the Fighting Swans of Vermont Law School in front of a jam-packed boisterous crowd of athletic supporters. As usual the entire VLS student body was present, while Woodies fans set a new all-time game attendance record of 10 (12 by some accounts).  Woodies fans were much better looking, and their signs were funnier. Woodies responded eagerly to the encouragment with inspired foreplaychecking on the way to a 5-2 victory.  The lawyers claimed it was all due to a case of Swan Flu.

11/12/09 Woodies Don't Panic, Well, Hardly

Crash & Burn made Woodies thrash & earn a difficult win. At the beginning of the third period the score was tied at 0-0 despite the Woodies' 756,302 shots on (or pretty close to) goal.  Woodies' collective life passed in front of their eyes as C&B scored the first goal, but WoodieWoman® came to the rescue and bailed out her drooping teammates with 2 goals on the way to an eventual 4-1 result.  Jay-Z did not come to "make any friends," and succeeded admirably.

11/5/09 Woodies Successfully Attain .500!

The narrative drama, character development, and plot twists in this compelling game are worthy of great literature. Unfortunately, no great writers were available at press time, so here's the summary: Against the slow, aging, and substantial (if you catch my drift) Lookout Tavern, Woodies lost the first period 2-0, the second period 1-0, the third period 1-0, and then, shame of all shame, the Woodies forfeited the off-ice fourth period in a devastating blow to the franchise.  Chris Foranickeliwill solidified his hold on Most Valuable Outlaw status in the entire league.

10/29/09 Normal Life Resumes, Woodies Lose

The Streak came to an abrupt halt as Vermont Law School's Fighting Swans migrated to a 6-5 judicial verdict over the party of the Woodies part.  Bailiffs sentenced Christian McNichelodeon to a total of nine minutes in protective custody.  Swans' goalie issued estoppel warrants against repeated Woodies' agggessive litigation, while Woodies' scheduled goalie was in absentia. 

10/22/09 Hell Freezes Over, Woodies Win

Woodies extended their winning streak to a dominant undefeated record of 2 wins.  Woodies beat Crash & Burn 7-1, with Tylenol Feelings scoring a couple, Jaydogg Youngster putting in a bunch, Reverend Ray for one, and somebody else for another.  For a more definitive account of the game, see ESPN's video.

10/14/09 Pigs Fly, Woodies Win

Woodies continued their incredible winning streak, now at 1-0 for the season, They had to overcome a 2-1 deficit against the talented and increasingly age-challenged Lookout Tavern, and eventually managed a 4-3 undertime victory.  Todd Steadydude had two goals including a high arching shot from outside the three point line.  The fourth period at the local rehydration station was too close to call.

10/13/09 Girl Woodie Joins Undefeated Team

It has been said that women must do things twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, in matters related to Woodies, this is eminently achievable. Woodies boosted their firepower and cumulative intelligence as Jamie Hagerman shattered the ice ceiling to join the roster. With zero games played so far, the as yet undefeated Woodies insisted on dragging out this tired joke yet one more season.

7/14/09 Woodies Can't Give It Away

Woodies tried out simultaneously for episodes of Planet Earth and Superheroes, as Elberty arrived with a bat on his elbow and O'Brien suffered a debilitating spider bite.  Batman and Superman kept the world safe from Ice Cubes, as the Woodies took a 5-0 lead into the third period.  Try as they might, Woodies could not squander the entire lead, ending up in a 5-2 victory, and a jaw-dropping bragging-rights tell-the-grandkids-about-it 3-5 overall summer season record.

7/12/09 Woodies Run Out of Gas

Seven (7) (one line and two subs) (four forwards and three defense) Woodies skaters kept K2 at bay for rwo periods then succombed to physical and mental exhaustion.  The closest comparison would be the the 300 at Thermopylae.

7/7/09 Woodies Tie 3rd Period

Gracefully stepping onto the ice with skate guards on, Righteous Reverend Ray got the Woodies off to a phenomenal start.  Focusing exclusively on defense for the first two periods against the semi-pro Northstars, Woodies consistently kept the puck in their own end. In the third period, Woodies discovered a revolutionary technique called "shooting" the puck at the opponents' goal, and tied that period 2-2.  The Northstars' 9 goals in the first two periods were not reported in the press.

7/5/09 Woodies Winning Streak at One

Yet another victory for the triumphant Woodies, as they edged out the Ice Cubes 4-1. Practically routine at this point, Woodies brought their overall summer tally up to a stunning near-breakeven record of 2-3.  On more than one occasion, the team performed rarely seen multiple passes in a row to the intended recipients. Fortunately, celebratory rioting by zealous fans worldwide was kept to a minumum.

6/30/09 Woodies Win BBQ In Overtime

In a rivetingly close game, Woodies lost to Spooners by a razor thin margin of 9-0. It was noted that all of the Spooners players had their mommies and daddies at the game, but none of the Woodies did. The Spooners' fresh diaper change in betweeen periods accounted for the final result. In the slightly delayed post-game holiday Christmas BBQ, the Woodies went undefeated.

6/28/09 Woodies KO K2

Brilliant management by Woodies front office accounted for the 6-4 win against K2-Nonames combo team, as Woodies locked up an 8 game (undisclosed figure) contract with injured reserve former Noname Dave Boot-it-to-the-back-of-the-net, who scored 4 for the hardy Woodies tonight and inspired this run-on sentence.

6/25/09 No Hard Feelings Toward Minors

Luckily, the Woodies are not a team to whine.  Woodies will not even think of mentioning the vast expanse of age differential compared to a team like, say, the Wise Guys.  Woodies categorically refuse to use age as an excuse for the 6-0 loss.  And Woodies decline to theorize that if they had been spotted a point for every 5-year difference in average age, it was a pretty damn close game.  No, the Woodies stay away from sour grapes comments like that.  In fact, the Woodies graciously offered to buy the Wise Guys all a post-game beer, but less than a quarter of them were allowed in the bar.

6/23/09 Near-Win In Summer Opener

In inspired Woodie tradition, the world famous team once again heroically found a way to capture a 5-4 loss despite outshooting the Ice Cubes by a wide margin. Forward Jay-Z Young attributed the classic Woodie performance to a combination of intense spring training and an infusion of new, and old, talent.

3/8/09 Too Bad. So Sad. Our Bad.

In a brutal, intense, pitched battle between the Woodie and Lookout warrior nations, the clock ran out before the Woodies could overcome the 2-1 so-called "final" result.  This marks the end of an amazing season for the Woodies, one in which they moved out of last place, didn't lose any games by double digits, and almost had a team Christmas party.  Union Arena officials were suspicious about the Woodies making it this far into the playoffs, and ordered that all Woodies be tested for performance enhancing drugs.  A representative of the team, along with a spokesperson from Pfizer, manufacturer of Viagra, denied all charges, stating, "Huh?"  Elaborating further, he said, "Just wait til next year."

3/5/09 Woodies Rising

Buoyed by truckloads of Cialis, Levitra and Viagra, the World Famous Woodstock Woodies rose to the occasion to win their second (ever) playoff game 3-1 against K2, the testosterone pumped number one ranked team in the league.  Like Lazurus straining to roll away the rock and emerge from his tomb, like Chris Chelios hanging onto his career well past retirement age, like Tom Jones finding his mojo while covered by Medicare, like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre desperately and irritatingly hanging on, like harrassed and wounded Moby Dick rising to crush the boat, like Keith Richards never saying die even though it might be time, the Woodies kept up their determined hard drive in the face of resistance.  Using their patented Worst Breakout in the LeagueTM® as the foundation for their offensive assaults, Woodies penetrated deeply and frequently and occasionally productively. 

3/4/09 Gravity Disproved

              Bigfoot Sited

                   Barry Manilow Writes Good Song

                        Woodies Win Playoff Game

In an aberration in the space-time continuum, the Woodies won their very first ever playoff victory.  Reverberations echoed throughout the entire universe of mediocre adult ice hockey.  The Woodies did give it their best to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, letting a 4-1 lead dwindle to a final 6-5 favorable result. E coli flavored beef jerky was immediately sent as a gift to members of the K2 team the Woodies face in the next playoff game.

2/26/09 Woodies Advance to Junior Bracket

In an intentional strategem, the Woodies threw their first playoff game to the Nonames in a ploy to play as many games as possible in the double elimination tournament. Out-shooting the Nonames for two thirds of the game, Woodies trailed only 2-1 at the end of the first period and 3-2 at the end of the second, and then, drawing on ancient tribal Woodie rituals, disintegrated to hand the nameless ones an 8-3 result. 

2/18/09 WOODIES MAKE PLAYOFFS!

Joke Never Dies!       

For the sixth year in a row, the World Famous Woodstock Woodies clinched a spot in the playoffs.  Woodies were one of only 8 teams in the eight team league to do so.  In tonight's game, love was in the air as K2 handed the Woodies a belated Valentine's Day Massacre.  The game started out romantically as Nick Loverbo'brien spied some hot chick in the stands (girlfriend? trophy wife?) and scored the first goal.  She left and the Woodies sagged, giftwrapping 5 goals for K2.  Reverend Ray revved up with 4.4 seconds left for a final piece of chocolate. 

2/15/09 DMW APB on MIA Woodies

The Department of Missing Woodies was busier than the Unemplyment Office tonight, trying to locate AWOL team members.  Only seven Woodie skaters were positively identified on the ice against Lookout Tavern, who brought the maximum crowd allowed by the fire marshall to beat the Woodies 7-1.  Philosopher Billy-Buddha Elberty spoke to his disciples afterward, saying, "What is worse than losing a hockey game is not playing a hockey game."

2/12/09 Subprime Result

Despite the current downturn, the 7 Woodies skaters and goalie were fully employed in tonight's 3-1 deficit to the Ice Cubes. Regulators took an active role in the fiscal physical crisis, bailing out the Cubes with massive bonuses of only 8 penalties versus the Woodies' 11. Overwhelmingly in favor of a stimulus package, Woodies put up stiff resistance but could not borrow, mortgage, or steal enough goals to bankrupt the cold squares. Hockey fan Bernie Madoff commented, "I really feel for the Woodies - they couldn't get away with anything."

2/5/09 Exciting SuperGoal

Special Report from ESPN / Associated Press / CNN / UPI / Fox News / SI.  Union Arena, Woodstock, Vermont.  At a press conference following the game, Kurt Warner wistfully stated his fervent wish that he could have pulled off an upset like the Woodies' down-to-the-wire victory over the Northstars dynasty. It was a light-hearted friendly game, a rare pleasure for the refs, filled with frolics and fun-loving zany antics, like the minor flesh wound incurred by T. Ceelee.  Ben Blaque emerged from his distant digs in East Butte Fuque to put the game winning biscuit in the basket.

1/21/09 New Administration in Town

In a spectacle heralded by millions around the world, the Woodies ceremoniously accepted their inaugural win against the Nonames in a shootout.  It was an emotional event for many.  "I never thought I'd live to see the day when a Woodie would step into this position," said one long time hockey activist.  In his first act as Secretary of Defense & Goaltending, Mike Robamagana sent a clear message to enemies of freedom and/or Woodies that while we will engage in robust dialogue on the ice, our spirit cannot be broken.  Well, except for the last 5 years.  Now we have change we can believe in:  Yes We Can! suck a little less.

1/15/09 Day Of Miracles

First, a USAir plane crashed on the Hudson with zero fatalities.  Then the USWoodies played a game without a single penalty.  Next, living human beings with no readily apparent signs of dysfunction showed up, ON PURPOSE, to watch the game.  And most amazing of all, the Woodies won a game, solidifying their stranglehold on the coveted #5 spot in the 8-team league.  Weverend Way Wice claimed 8 assists in the 7-1 victory over the Fighting Swans. 

1/8/09 Woodies Help Wise Guys' Self Image

Woodies were wanquished by WiseGuys in a wild and wicious war.  Exhibiting superior time management skills, Woodies delayed arrival at the rink until the Zamboni was almost finshed, resulting in cardiac issues for the goalkeeper.  Woodies contributed nine penalties this game, including three 2-man down situations, meaning that they were actually playing 3 on 8, including the referees. 

12/18/08 Back To Basics

We played at night. The ice was cold. The puck really slid well in the first period but not that

well in the last. There were people on the ice with a different color jersey than ours, who got the puck in our metal & net contraption more times than we put it in theirs. The striped guys always blew a whistle, picked up the puck and than went into a circle and dropped it on the dot. We caught on pretty quick, though. With one sub, our third line was better than our first. All two defenseman were on the ice for the whole game. The one time the striped guys did not drop the puck, somebody got mad and drove a machine on the ice and chased us off. Man, this sport is tough.

12/11/08 Cubes Square Woodies

In the quasi-Euclidian space-time dimension known as Union Arena, solving the equation for situating a flat black rubber cylinder past a specified 6'x4' plane proved mathematically challenging for the scholarly Woodies.  The new & improved Ice Cubes relied on random geometry* to calculate a 4-2 (or x=w2) algebraic result in their favor.

*lucky shots

12/3/08 That's What She Said

Woodies had a hard time putting it in tonight, with seven skaters losing stamina as they faced stiff competition against the NorthPoles, or NorthStars, or whatever.  Somewhat distracted by a special holiday greeting from the Woodies Fan Club, the team aggressively foreplayed, or forechecked, or whatever, but couldn't achieve deep enough penetration, leading to an unsatisfying and premature deprivation of 4-1. 

11/20/08 Tragic 4th Period Loss Despite .500

Bittersweet.  Previously undefeated in 4th period oral rehydration therapy particiation, Woodies lost the postgame but elevated their league standing to 3 wins - 3 losses by beating Lookout Tavern by a slim 2-1 margin.  Tavernites showed up in droves for the apres skate, swamping the Woodies' limp performance in that department.  In other news, Woodies suggested and sort of kind of a little bit tentatively planned a possible potential maybe Woodies Christmas Party, though no futher details were revealed for fear of being overrun by worldwide fans and papparazzi.

11/13/08 Other Than Result, A Good Game

This was a tie game except for the one (1) minute (60 freakin seconds) when the Woodies completely broke down and allowed 3 goals, leading to a 7-4 win for the Nonames in an injust twist of the universal plan.  Reverend Ray Rumrunner Rice renewed his record in receiving referee reprimands, resulting in recurring respites in the box. As always, Woodies won the fourth period in a local rehydration station.. 

11/6/08 Legal Ease

With a judicious bench of only seven skaters, the Woodies filed suit against the entire school body representing the Fighting Swans of Vermont Law School.  The Woodies were awarded a 9-2 victorious settlement.

10/30/08 Working 9 to 5

The aging but upright Woodies scored 5 goals against the Wise Guy High School team.  Woodies expressed their gratitude to the senior leadership triumvirate of Eckler, Brands & Hersey for limiting the Wise Guys to a mere 9 goals. ESPN highlight clips from the game featured defenseman John Chesthair with a goal and an assist on a single shift, including the you-can't-teach-that tip off his skate into his own goal.

10/23/08 Almost A Win!

Ending their scorching season-opening winning streak, the Woodies lost to K2 in a shoot-out after a hard fought 2-2 tie at the end of regulation time. Returning to form after a disappointing penalty-free game the week before, Ray Rice-a-roni set up housekeeping in the penalty box. “We could have won that game if we’d only had more goals,” commented defenseman and part-time brain surgeon Chris Nichoholic.

10/15/08 Universe Goofs: Woodies Undefeated

The World Famous Woodstock Woodies surged to the dominant position in the UAHL after beating the Ice Cubes 6-3.  Woodies currently lead the entire league, including all the other teams that have not played yet.  "It's a gratifying feeling for sure," commented uber-star Ben Black, "but we don't want to get cocky* about it."  Bill Elberty, avoiding answering any questions directly, stated, "The Woodies are not a slow team.  The Woodies are not a fast team.  The Woodies are a half-fast team."

* unintentional Woodies pun

7/13/08 Terra Incognita

...aka "unfamiliar territory." The WiseWoodies are experiencing vertigo as they climb out of the basement for the first itme in their storied history.  In a momentous development, the team is guaranteed a .500 summer ice season, moving to a 4-3 record with a 9-1 win over K2 and only one more game left.  The score was somewhat deceiving, as the WiseWoodies goalie left it all on the ice, after leaving it all in the locker room.

7/10/08 Ripley's Believe It Or... Oh, Right

After being shellacked 14-4 by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Spooners just two days earlier, would anyone believe that the WiseWoodies could come back from a 5-0 deficit at the end of the second period against the Ice Cubes to win in a shoot-out 8-7?  Ripleys Believe It Or Not sent their entire field team of verification specialists to interrogate the refs, the scorekeeper, and all two of the fans present.  "We see a lot of preposterous stories, but this just didn't connect to reality in recognizable way," said N. B. Leevabel, Ripley's Director of Inf***ingcredible Sh**.  "Nevertheless, it all checked out, even the part about the antique, pre-historic, antediluvian, neanderthal 50 year old scoring the winning shoot-out goal."

6/29/08 Sports Reporter At Loss

A sportswriter faced an acute case of writer's block when confronted with a 10-1 WiseWoodies win against the Ice Cubes.  "Because I follow this team exclusively, I don't even know how to spell W, except at the beginning of Woodies," explained the shell-shocked reporter, who begged not to be identified.  Compounding the quandary was the unprecedented and credibility-stretching double digit offensive result, within a week of 13-3 and 7-0 losses to Spooners and K2.  "I'm trying to produce serious journalism here.  Who in their right mind is going to believe this story?"

3/5/08 Just When It Was All Coming Together

Not one of the nationally syndicated sportswriters present would disagree that the Woodies unquestionably outplayed OTG, despite the latter's 5-3 undeserved triumph.  It was crystal clear that the season was ending just as the Woodies were gellin' like a felon, no matter what story you're sellin'. 

2/28/08 Woodies Make Playoffs - Again!

For the fourth consecutive year, the Woodies attained a coveted UAHL playoff berth.  Only the top eight teams in the 8-team league are thusly honored.  Woodies chose to undertake the challenge of the non-winners bracket in the double elimination tournament by allowing the Northstars to take the first game. 

2/20/08 Woodies Face Projectile Dysfunction

Woodies were on top 3-1 well into the third period, but couldn't keep it up long enough to come away fully satisfied, giving it up to KY2 4-3.  Their initial upstanding performance and penetrating foreplaychecking petered out as the game reached its climax.  Several penal offenses put Woodies in the box just when they were poised for multiple scoregasms.

2/14/08 Woodies Show Mercy

All 8 of the Woodies present mercifully let the Big-E's off the hook 4-2.  If it had not been for Emo's sniping, it would have been 4-0. All in all the Woodies did good. Passing and everything. Only one penalty all night for the Woodies, all the more shocking because Wild Rice AND Knucklehead Nichols stayed out of the box.

1/31/08 Super Thursday Results Stun Pundits

Despite advance polls and widespread predictions of a Woodies' victory, the Woodies elected to lose the hockey caucuses to the extremist Off The Green Party.  1-0 front-runners early in the primaries, the Woodies ran a competitive campaign ending the second period 2-2.  After a collapse in momentum put the Woodies behind 5-2, the Comeback Kids rallied enough votes to a 5-4 score before their final concession speech reflected the delegate count at 7-4.

1/24/08 Shucks

Outshot in the shootout, Woodies came up short vs. Wisenheimers.  The upshot was the shutout that should have taken shape shook out to be shamefully shaky.  Looking sharp and sharing a 2-2 tie after the last shift, Woodies shooters shanked their shots and got shellacked in the sham shootout.

1/17/08 The Secret of Our Suck-cess

They said it couldn't be done.  But once again, the Woodies proved the skeptics wrong, showing beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can indeed lose 8-1 to the Northstars.  During the post game press conference, reporters repeatedly asked questions around the central theme: How do the Woodies do it?  Coach L. Bertie said it's no one thing that accounts for Woodies results, rather it's attention to all the details.  "Whether it's bunching up, screening our own goalie, keeping our head down, holding on to the puck, desperate blind passing, or unproductive penalties, they all add up.  If you practice these things and do them over and over long enough, well, it just becomes second nature."

1/10/08 Woodies Prove Nonames Bane

So-called "official" scores are so over-rated.  The world famous Woodstock Woodies beat the Nonames 4-3 in the last two periods.  But does anyone notice?  Huh?  Just because the Nonames got 5 obviously flukey goals to the Woodies' 1 well-deserved goal in the first period, the oh-so-important "final" score was 8-5.  (Woodies beat local bookies' point spread in any case.)  Sadly, the Woodies lost the penalty competition 3-2. 

1/3/08 Woodies - Patriots Comparison?

The world famous Woodies tonight were accused of running up their statistics just like that other successful New England team.  In this case the Woodies absolutely dominated the penalty box, with 16 penalties vs a pathetic 7 by the hapless OK2whine team, meaning that the Woodies played man down for the equivalent of 2 entire periods (against both K2 and the referees).  Two Woodies scored penalty hat tricks, and one was prematurely ejected from the game due to a philosophical difference of opinion.  On a meaningless side note, the score was 5-2 not in favor of the Woodies.

12/21/07  Small Edge to Big E's

Whether you believe a good man is hard to find or a hard man is good to find, for this game Woodies were certainly hard to find, as half the team went AWOL for undisclosed reasons.  Nevertheless, the few, the proud, the futile small band of brothers fought valiantly to another near win against Big E's at 5-4.

12/7/07  Charitable Giving, Woodies Style

In a gesture of goodwill toward all, even OTG, the Woodies made six charitable donations, and only recieved one in return.  As usual, the Woodies relied entirely on luck as a strategy, foregoing such pedestrian concepts as skill, teamwork, and stamina.  "We've based our entire franchise on the off chance of fluky events in our favor," said Spike "Steroids" Skuro.  "Why would we change now?"

11/29/07  Lies, Damn Lies, and Official Scores

Countless fans (literally, countless) watching the Woodies - Wise Guys match tonight would agree that were it not for the Wise Guys' 5 goals, the Woodies would have won 1-0.  Woodies tied two of the three periods and logically, rationally, and reasonably attributed the other period to bad luck.

11/22/07  Thankswoodies Celebration

The flock of turkeys collectively known as the Woodies cooked up a perfect feast without getting basted or having the stuffing kicked out of them, and gave thanks for not being creamed at Onion Arena, due partially to the lack of games this week.

11/15/07  So Close

Northstars barely escaped unscathed in a pitched 9-2 battle against the intrepid Woodies.  "One more period and they were toast," commented Bill Elbonian, "especially if they didn't stick around for that next period."

11/7/07  Who Cares Anyway?

As if it were a big deal, the Nonames thought they were all that and a bag of potato chips just because they won some stupid hockey game against the Woodies 10-4 good buddy.  Like anyone cares. 

11/1/07  Woodies Can't Put It In

Woodies penetrated deeply with multiple organic scoring openings, but were repeatedly shut down prematurely by the smokin' hot unsurmounted K2 team. Age was clearly not a factor in the 4-0 result in the contest between the adolescent K2 teenagers and the geriatric Woodie AARP constituency.

10/29/07  Woodies Climb the Mediocrity Summit

Exhibiting their distinctive, intensely second-rate capabilities, the Woodies turned in a fanatically substandard performance tonight against the Fighting Swans. Ill at ease with a winning record, the Woodies zealously pursued and successfully attained a more undistinguished .500 record with a shoddy 3-2 loss to the pugilistic avians.

10/25/07  Woodies Finally Prevail in Defensive Battle

As the near-shutout 8-7 score indicates, goalies clearly dominated this game.  Stepping in for the Woodies' involuntarily "vacationing" goalie (see last week's write-up), J. "Big Sieve" Chesmeister put in a big performance to hold the Big E's to a mere 7 goals. "He came up huge," said R. Wild Rice. "He was even better than if we had put, like, a couple of old tires in the goal."

10/18/07  Woodies Gone Wild!

Mayhem! Bedlam! Pandefrigginwoodiemonium!  A last minute brawl broke out as the frenzied Woodies' goalie "skated up" to engage in pleasantries with opposing goaltender of the well-named Fighting Swans. The Woodies scored a remarkable 5 goals by 5 different players for the second week in a row, and still managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

10/11/07           Woodies Win

Cancer Cured

Elvis Attends Game

Shroud of Turin Discovered in Hockey Bag

Elberty Speaks Understandable Sentence

Shocking the entire universe of old people's mediocre hockey, the Woodies pulled off a 5-2 WIN against a buff, ripped, jacked, hardbody OTG team. Scoring came from LabellaSkuroBlackEmoRice. Woodies petitioned the league to end the current season immediately.

10/10/07  Woodies Start Season Undefeated!

Fans worldwide celebrated the Woodies' incredible, so far 100% undefeated record in the first -0- games of the 2007-2008 season.  "I can't believe they've made it this far without one loss," said athletic supporter Lou Serr. 

7/12/07  FIGHTING WOODIES

ROCK THE B-UNIVERSE!

The Fighting Woodies overcame an undermanned, aging, and tired Wise Guys squad 5-1 to dominate, rule, freaking bulldoze the entire world of mediocre hockey. Their 3 wins during the summer season quadrupled that of any previous record.  You do the math.

7/10/07  Fighting Woodies vs Big E's

Blah blah.

7/6/07  Fighting Woodies vs OTG

Yadda yadda.

7/3/07  Fighting Woodies vs Nicknames

Whatever.

6/28/07  David Beats Goliath

The Fighting Woodies beat the winter league champion Wise Guys.  "It's just amazing what you can accomplish simply by throwing more lawyers at a problem," commented team member and rapper Steve Dr Dre Drebber.  "It also seems to help when Chester doesn't show up."

6/26/07  Fighting Woodies Win In Penalties

The FW's blew away Big E's in penalty minutes, under the false impression that the team with the most penalties win.  The FW's played better a man down anyway, getting two goals from superstar Kyle Koetsier, but apparently didn't get quite enough penalties, losing 4-3 in goals (oh that's how you win the game...)

6/21/07  Fighting Woodies Back In Town

Back in true form the FW's lost the second game of the season 4-1 to the Nicknames, with penalty box season ticket holders Ben Black and Peter Chick taking turns keeping the seat warm.  

6/19/07  Benedict Nichols Ensures Fighting Woodies Victory

The Fighting Woodies (a summer combo of Fighting Swans and Woodies) rocketed to first place in the standings for several hours with an upset win over OTG.  Divine justice reigned down on traitor Chris Nichols who abandoned the Woodies in their time of need for the false hope of joining a superior team.

 

4/22/07  Victory in Montreal!

Borrowing the Woodies' name for the weekend, an eminent group of nuclear physicists, rocket scientists, and brain surgeons gathered in Montreal for some good old fashioned intellectual entertainment.  Defying all statistical models, they brought home an actual WIN, the first international victory for the somewhat Woodstock, Vermont-based World Famous Woodies. They also achieved two extreme negative wins, which probablility models had strongly predicted.

Weekend highlights are too numerous to record (and CODE OF SILENCE violations could result in untimely death) but a sampling would have to include:

  • the reinvention of hockey fashion by an unnamed Woodie (initials Sc_ttH_rs_y), with the ultra hip mini-shin-guard which he modeled at the wrong rink to a standing ovation
  • An unnamed Woodie (initials B_nBl_ck) was tossed for fighting, even though another unnamed teammate (intitials Chr_sN_ch_ls) prevented him from getting in just one good punch
  • having been overserved some bad water at the rink, during the 3rd and final game a minority of the Woodies managed to stay upright throught the entire game
  • 100% attendance at all games
  • Woodies scored in every game
  • the mercy rule was employed BUT only 2 out of 3 times
  • the other teams really liked us
  • it has now been 12 full months since one unnamed player (H_ghM_cK_nzi_) has had a close encounter with a “Mountie”
  • the referees FOR OUR GAMES were selected by the organizers due to their off ice profession as Advanced Psychotherapists
  • only one of our players' mugs was plastered on wanted posters (B_llD_nahu_) being handed out by customs agents to the throngs of weary hockey players waiting to cross back into the US
  • CHE’s GM, Glen Forbes, said we inspired him to offer the NO GAMES INCLUDED package for next year
  • Not a single Woodie was caught driving the bus
  • Woodies have proven the theory “Can’t skate = Can’t dance”

If you wish to add to this report, then a) get a life, or b) email your contribuiton to Guy Who Has Nothing Better To Do Than Write Stupid Articles.

 

3/5/07  Woodies Live Up To Expectations!

With notable offensive production, the Woodstock Woodies scored 5 goals against K2.  Even more remarkable was the fact that they had 10 assists, including the ones to K2 players, who scored 8 goals.  The overacheiving Woodies went so far as to pass the puck to the opposing point, and then screen their own goalie.  "You can't teach that kind of play. Not that I'm bragging," commented Most Generous Defenseman John Chester.

"It's not that we lost," explained Bobby Orr Coates, "It's just that we seek to spend more time with our families," which the Woodies will be able to do now that their season is officially over.

By the way, adult hockey is a stupid game played by idiotic losers trying to reclaim the fictitious glory of their youth, and anyone who takes it too seriously ought to get a life.  Not that this is sour grapes or anything.

3/1/07  Woodies Advance to Junior Bracket

Shattering historical attendance records, a packed house of over an entire dozen Woodies fans thronged Union Arena for the UAHL playoffs. The Woodies did not disappoint, resolutely locking up a spot in the non-winners bracket of the double elimination tournament. MVP substitute goalie Jared Walker shut out the lifeless Nonames in the first period and held them to an insignificant 2-1 lead in the second, but the Nonames played hard in spurts (something the Woodies strive for) and eventually took the game 4-1. Ray "Bad Daddy" Rice demonstrated to his young son how much fun is is to get some rest in the penalty box, twice.

 

2/23/07  Woodies Clinch!!

Woodies fans worldwide celebrated as the Woodies officially secured a UAHL playoff berth.  Only 8 teams in the league attain this privileged distinction.  With only one tie to blemish their otherwise perfect 0-648-1 record, the Woodies finished off the regular season with a big 1-3 negative win vs OTG.  "It's hard to stay humble when you play at our level," commented Steve Drebber. "We think we could probably beat any Mite team in the country."

2/15/07 Small Numbers, Big Woodies

With nary a single substitute, 5 stalwart Woodies skaters and one acrobatic Woodie goalie humiliated the Northstars by completely shutting them down in the second period, and keeping them to a minimal 2 point score differential.  Chris "Shoot From Anywhere" Nichols bagged one from the blue line for the Woodies.  It looks as if the Woodies have solidified their standing in the league, and will more than likely make the playoffs for the second year in a row.  

In other news, rumors of an impending sale continue to spook the league.  The world famous Woodstock Woodies are one of the few North American sport franchises still available to investors putting up billions to own a piece of the action and be associated with a quality name in sports.  Offers on the table, if any, have not been made public, and team officials declined to comment on record.

2/8/07  Nowoodies Noshows vs Nonames

Recent studies have shown that absenteeism in the US has reached its highest level in years. Despite the idyllic setting of their local community and the belief that "things are different here," the Woodies have been plagued by this shameful national epidemic.  Tonight they had only two subs in a game against the defending league champion Nonames.  Even so, the few, the proud, the tired Woodies who appeared almost pulled off an upset with a goal by Mike "The Crease Is My Home" Skuro, and giving up only10 flukey Noname goals. Anyone watching the game would tell you it could have gone either way.

2/1/07  Swans Beat Off Woodies

Despite impressive penetrating scores by brainiac Greg Cerelabellum and part-time fashion model Pete Hotchick, the Woodies succumbed to a 5-2 whumping by the pugilistic birds. 

1/25/07  ZamWooodie

Move over Nancy Pelosi:  Heather Rubenstein has come to town.  The real transgender barrier, or glacé ceiling, was shattered as the Zambeauty goalie held the Big E's scoreless in the first period.  This was, incidentally, the only time in recorded history that 12 males agreed a female had a "really good period."  For results on the rest of the game, look somewhere else. 

1/18/07  Snatching Defeat from the Hands of Victory. Twice.

Mike "2/3 Of A Hat Trick" Skuro wore his janitorial uniform and cleaned up in front of the net, putting the Woodies ahead 1-0 and later 2-1.  The Woodies took 417 shots (including 11 on goal) but still found themselves behind the Wise Guys 4-3 with a couple of minutes left.  The Viagra kicked in, and the Woodies poured it on...only to get deflated by an empty netter.

1/11/07  Sportswriters Ignore Game

ESPN, CNN, Sports Illustrated, The Vermont Standard...all coincidentally forgot to cover the Woodies January 11, 2007 game.  Until a week later.  Legend has it that the Woodies put all of their considerable talent into the first 45 second shift, where they miraculously gave up 2 goals.  "You just can't teach that kind of talent," observed Woodies Fan Club President Vic Cox.  Other stuff happened and then the Woodies lost.

1/5/07  If a Woodie Falls on the Ice and No Ref Hears Him, Does He Still Get Penalized?

Despite their woodie-fired furnace of desire, the Woodies got chain-sawed, wood-chipped, and burn-piled 2-0 by OTG.  Apparently the refs are not bilingual, mistaking "%$#@  #!&" as a bad thing, and ejecting a Woodie whose name has been withheld to protect the kinda sorta maybe innocent.  Another strategic business meeting was held at Office The Green.

12/28/06  Woodies Schizophrenic, And So Are Woodies

Displaying multiple personality condition, the Woodies sandwiched a 1-0 second period win between 0-5 first period and 1-5 third period non-wins against the Northstars.  Psychiatrists were at a loss to explain the Woodies' apparent spite toward their own goalie, as the entire team abandoned the front of the net for most of the game.  Chris Nichols' claim that the Woodies were intentionally working on their "defensive game" was met with skepticism.

12/21/06  Underdogfood

David up against Goliath...

Rocky Balboa up against Apollo Creed...

Robert the Bruce up against the English (you know, Braveheart)...

Fred Tuttle up against Patrick Leahy...

And tonight the plucky Woodstock Woodies up against the #1 ranked NoNames...

Was this the night?  Tensions mounted.  Upset was in the air. 

Unfortunately not the air breathed by the Woodies. The NoNames fought for each of their 4 goals, while the lone Woodies power play goal would have made the ESPN highlights if only the cameraman hadn't been on break at the time.

12/14/06  Legal Beef

Vermont Law School's Fighting Swans lived up to their name, as the long lost fourth Hanson brother, resurfacing as an environmental law student, succumbed to the pressures of exam week by committing multiple acts of aggravated assault.  With objections to the refs' rulings overruled, and after considerable jail time without bail, he was held in contempt and motioned to be dismissed.  The game was a de jure victory for the Woodies (res ipsa loquitur), but a de facto 2-1 win for the floating fowl, in a clear travesty of justice.  Woodies subsequently procured liquidated damages at Off The Green.

12/7/06 Those Woodies!

The Big E’s beat the Woodies on the ice 3-1, but lost the cool team name competition (though everyone interviewed for this article admitted that “Big E’s” certainly beat their previous names “New Team” and “Hop Devils.”) In this single game Emo Chynowoodiewyth attained Woodie Of The Week and Woodie Of The Month for most goals scored, with a grand total of 1. At the press conference afterwards, he credited his teammates. “It’s a real honor to receive this recognition, but it couldn’t have happened if everyone else on the team hadn’t purposely missed every shot they took. I guess I’m just lucky my teammates suck so bad.”

11/30/06 Woodies Suck

The Woodies firmed up their preferred position on the bottom. Of the league.  They played well in spurts, but the Woodies' attempts at offensive penetration and foreplay were beat off by the stiff competition of the Wise Guys team.  It was hard on the Woodies to get creamed prematurely, but they were hustlers nonetheless.  Even though the Woodies did not erect solid shots at scoring, they only stimulated two penal episodes from the refs, and no one was ejaculated from the game.  The Wise Guys played their forth line offspring of NHL players, and the Woodies look forward to playing junior Gretzkys, Espisitos, and Orrs in the future.

11/23/06 Thankful Woodies

The Woodies made no mistakes and allowed no goals on Thanksgiving, due to dogged determination and the lack of a game this week.

11/16/06 Game Ends Before Woodies Win

The Woodies outshot, outskated, and outhustled K2, who relied solely on luck for their 2-0 lead as time ran out before the inevitable Woodies victory.  "This is OUR outhouse," said outstanding Woodie winger Borat Chynoweth. "Nobody comes into OUR outhouse. Except maybe tonight. Well, and every Thursday."

NEWSFLASH:  Drawing worldwide attention, UAHL team Fighting Swans brought a mascot to a league game earlier in the evening.  Plus they brought fans, who appeared to be living -- despite the widely held belief that no one with an actual life would watch a UAHL game.  Woodies responded immediately with an announcement of plans for their own avian mascot, Woodie Woodpecker.  When asked whether Arena management would allow the double entendre, a Woodies spokesperson would only comment, "Ha ha ha ha ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha."

11/9/06 Woodies Tie!  Really.

Skating toe to toe vs OTG, the tuned up Woodies tallied a two to two tie in a tight tit for tat team test.  Remarkably, the testosterone-charged Woodies racked up nary a single penalty, nor a single injury, if you don't count the deer or Labella's car on the way to the game.  Jon Chambermaid kept a clean house in net, stepping in for Rob Rice, Woodies Martyr of the Month, who broke a rib last week on the battlefield of the Great and Holy Cause of the Woodies Jihad.

11/2/06 Woodies Tie Northstars 3-3

and then the rest of the game occurred.  The subsequent 4 unanswered Northstar goals need not be mentioned in this article.  Two unnamed players (hint: *th*n Sh*w and P*t*r D*sm**l*s), one from each team, were ejected for Horseplay, Roughhousing and Using Their Outside Voices. 

In separate news, Woodies VP of Public Relations, Chubby Johnson, announced that there are still some seats available for Woodies games.

10/26/06 Nonames Maimed

Woodies rallied in the second period to overcome a trivial 6-1 lead by the NoNames. With the game tied 6-6 in the third period, Woodies forward Mike Skuro commented, "We let them get overconfident early on by falling way behind. On purpose, of course. Very strategic." The near upset ended with a classic but respectable 8-6 Woodies loss. This game probably represents a career high scoring record for the World Famous Woodstock Woodies, but it could not be confirmed at press time because nobody could find the napkin that the team stats are kept on.

10/19/06 Swan Meat Not So Tasty

Looking to feast on the other white meat with a massive early 1-0 lead, the Woodies lost their appetite as Vermont Law School's Fighting Swans handed out a 4-1 Habeas Lossus.  Vaudeville performer & defenseman Bill "I'm Babbling and I Can't Shut Up" Elberty, after considering facial plastic surgery, opted for a flesh wound to the nose, which he treated with duck (not swan) tape.  Greg "Peacemaker" Labella exchanged a spirited expression of pleasantries with the aquatic avians, resulting in a short and scenic vacation to the penalty box.

10/11/06 Like Winning Only Different!

In the UAHL's season opener, the world-famous win-challenged weapon-disabled Woodies worked their wizardry to pull off an amazing 2-1 near-win against the new HopDevils team.  Nick "Fast Break, Sort Of" O'Brien provided the Woodies' huge offensive (near record-breaking) production of one entire goal.  Team waterboy Chester got an assist, but to the other team - in a record 23 seconds into the game.

8/30/06 Tryouts

Winning teams attract the power players.  It's not good or bad, it's just the way it is.  In unrelated news, the Woodies are instituting TRYOUTS to form their roster this year.  A gruelling gamut of challenges face the erstwhile teammates, including, but not limited to:

1) Consciousness, defined liberally

2) A heartbeat

3) Evidence of breathing / respiratory activity of some sort

4) Ability to skate at least one (1) entire length of the rink, without a rest on the way

5) Last year's players get squatters rights

7/17/06 Pass the Puck, or Pass Out

Skating again with a short bench of only seven players, the Woodies shell shocked the No Names by scoring early in the game. In fact, had the referees ended the game after the first minute the Woodies would have posted an upset victory unseen since the 1980 Winter Olympics. But the Woodies played like they were coached by Mel Brooks, not Herb Brooks, and there was no miracle tonight. At least not at first. Then just when it seemed that all hope was lost, the Woodies pulled off a brilliant 12-3 loss. Even though the opposing team scored into double digits the woodies held the point spread in the single digits. Forward Tod Minotti told ESPN reporters in the post game interview "holding the point spread in the single digits was miraculous but the true miracle was that Drebber didn't pass out."

7/13/06 Tight Game

A freak OTG goal late in the 3rd period ended the Woodies' tie-ing streak of two periods.

7/10/06 Woodies Take the Lead

The Woodies jumped out in front with a 2-0 lead in the first period against the Village People.  The rest of the game wasn't very interesting.

7/6/06 Showing the Old Form

In the signature style that fans have come to expect, the Woodies rocked the Northstars' world tonight.  The Northstars never knew what hit them.  Nothing actually hit them in the razor close 9-0 game.

7/3/06 Friendly Competition

A hockey game spontaneously broke out during a slugfest at Union Arena between the Woodies and Nonames.  No criminal charges have been pressed either way.

6/30/06 Almost Like A Victory

Could it be?  The Woodies stepped out of character to post a TIE against Off the Green.

6/27/06 Woodies Post Negative Victory

Without missing a beat, the Summer Woodies picked up right where they left off during the winter with a spectacular win by minus 5 points over the Wise Guys.  "It feels good to know we haven't lost one iota of skill, stamina, or team play," said so-called defenseman John Chester, also pointing out that "you can't lose something you never had."  Chester had an incredible first period shift, contributing to two Wise Guy goals, one with a graceful backward yard-sale fall, and the other with a picture-perfect pass to the opposing team.  "I don't want to brag, but you can't teach that," said the normally modest Woodie.

 

4/1/06 Incredible!

Two months without a loss.  Well, almost two months. Seven weeks anyway, and the amazing Woodies have not lost a single game.  What accounts for this turn of events?  Is it the coalescing of a team focus on a common goal?  Is it a sudden inexplicable imrovement in skills?  Is it hustle?  Desire?  Mojo?  No one knows for sure, but Jay Mead commented, "Ever since the ice went out, we've never played better.  We're not sure if it has something to do with the season being over."

3/2/06 (edited by the White House Press Office) Woodies Suck

Claim Victory & Go Home

It was an ignominious glorious end to a pathetic productive season for the hapless vigorous Woodies.  The Woodies lost 5-3 to the so-called Wise Guys.  The Woodies made progress in the ongoing struggle for freedom and democracy in the face of geezer hockey terrorism. Predictably they ended up in the basement 6th place slot of the league.  They established a solid foundation for a successful future and have set a one year timetable for advancing all the way to the second worst team in the league.

3/1/06 The Streak Continues!

More good news:  The Woodies tonight secured the opportunity to be the 5th or 6th team in the entire Union Arena Hockey League, in a game to be played tomorrow night at 9:00 (tickets still available, but act fast).  How did they achieve this distinction?  By kicking K2's sorry butt in every category - except the final 3-1 score.  That's how.

NewsFlash! NewsFlash! NewsFlash! NewsFlash!

2/23/06 Woodies Playoff Bound!

Jubilant Woodies celebrated the amazing turn of events securing them a spot in the UAHL playoffs.  This was no mean feat, considering that only the top 6 teams in the league reach this elite level.  Through an obscure and somewhat convoluted mathematical formula you probably wouldn't understand, the Woodies' incomparable 2-17 record was more than sufficient to lock up a playoff slot.

"It was great to end the regular season with a power performance like tonight," said Peter Chick.  "We held the Nonames to just a handful of goals.  A full handful.  But just one handful."

2/16/06 VP of Hockey

Tonight the Woodies played with heart.  The heart of a 65 year old vasculopath with a 30-year history of coronary atherosclerosis, multiple myocardial infarctions, left ventricular dysfunction, cardiac electrical instability, and presumed peripheral atherosclerotic disease.  In short, the heart of a vice president.

In the role of Harry Whittington, the Woodies goalie took shots to the face, chest, and any other body part you can name in the 5-1 loss to the Wise Guys.  "I felt like a sitting duck, er, quail," was his comment.  The Woodies were criticized for the delay in getting information to the press, which only came out through the scorekeeper's leak to an obscure website.

2/9/06 Haiku For U

All creative ways to describe another loss have been exhausted.  Therefore switching to the ancient tradition of haiku poetry:

desperation lunge

not a chance to stop the shot

do we ever suck

what another goal

screened goaltender no breakout

be the tao of suck

2/2/06 Like Victory, Only Different

At the end of the second period, the Woodies had a highly respectable 3 goal deficit against league leading Northstars.  The third period should be disregarded, for reasons that don't need lengthy elaboration for fear of boring the reader with details of the final 8-1 result.  Woodies' high scorer of the game, Ethan Shaw, attributed the team's remarkable performance to a unique combination of "unconfidence, incompetence and incontinence."

1/26/06 That's the Ticket

The Woodies found themselves up 2-0 in the second period, perilously close to a win against K2.  It was time to rally, and the team rose to the occasion as only the Woodies can.  Slowly and determinedly, step by step, inch by inch, they gave away one goal, then another, and in the closing minutes a third goal to cinch the loss.  Goalie Rob Rice was busier than a NSA wire tapper, stopping more shots than your spam blocker. 

1/19/06 Foreplay

In an effort to move their fortunes forward, the Woodies forayed into the Nonames' fortress, but were forbidden.  They forgot to forecheck foremost of the game, and perhaps should have forfeited. Remarkably foregoing injuries or penalties, the Woodies can be forgiven for feeling forlorn after the 5-0 lost. The formal forecast is the Woodies will still foresuck.

1/12/06 Spirit of Giving

With the Red Cross Bloodmobile coming to Woodstock the day after this game, good samaritan Nick O'Brien decided to get a jump start on the blood donation, with help from Wise Guy #14.  "I punched his hockey stick with my lip," said O'Brien.  In addition to giving blood, the Woodies generously gave away 6 goals, with no reciprocating courtesy from the Wise Guys.

1/5/06 Very Disappointing

The Woodies did everything they could in the final minutes to give away the game, but spoiled their almost spotless record with the second win of the season.  Through some strange unexplained phenomena the Woodies found themselves ahead 3-0 against Off the Green late in the third period.  Coming together as a team, they found a way to let in two quick goals.  For the first time in Woodies history the opposing team pulled their goalie.  Despite the heroic effort, the Woodies weren't able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  Despite the fact that both Bill Elberty and Peter Chick had considerable ice time, there were NO PENALTIES.

12/22/05 Another Close One

The Woodies are pouring it on.  Shot on goal!  Save!   But the Northstar goalie is out of the cage...the puck is in front of the net...only a foot away from the goal...a Woodies shot, and goooooaaaaa, uh, wait, hold on...a miss?  Amazing!  What skill, what talent, what aim!  "I was worried that scoring might turn the momentum in our favor, which could ruin our reputation, so I made a split-second decision," said sniper Bob Coates.  Good thinking, as the 7-0 win by the Northstars could easily have gone the other way.

12/15/05 Dominate!

It was a one-sided game that the Woodies dominated.  That particular game wasn't that same ol' same ol' game that puts so much misguided emphasis on the score (which was K2 3, Woodies 1).  No sir.  The game the Woodies dominated was all about the penalties.  They owned the penalty box.  They became personal friends with the scorekeeper.  They got so used to having four players that a fifth guy just got in the way.  By the way, if you need to get mail to Bill Elberty, send it c/o Union Arena, Penalty Box, Woodstock Vermont.

12/8/05 Defending Honor

In tonight's game the Woodies decided to work on defensive zone coverage, and exceeded expectations by allowing the puck to leave the zone on only a few rare occasions.  Nevertheless the game could have gone either way, ending up 7-1 in favor of the NoNames.  A referee inquired whether the Woodies were punishing their own goalie for some reason, but clearly he was not aware of the previously mentioned game plan.

12/1/05 Welcome Back

After a brief foray into unfamiliar winning territory, the Woodies returned to their tried and true formula of consistent underperformance, succumbing 3-1 to the Wise Guys. Shooting more blanks than a starter pistol or a dysfunctional transvestite, the Woodies were repeatedly turned away by the wise play of the goalie guy, but like good Woodies, they kept coming back for more.

Sources who wished to remain anonymous disclosed that the Woodies have developed a new strategy of hiring a high powered lobbyist to improve communications with the referees and scorekeeper.  Asked if this could be viewed as influence peddling, the source claimed, "This isn't about bribing officials with really cool Woodies stuff available at the Woodies store [CLICK HERE], or anything like that, it's just about getting a chance to make our case."  The source declined to elaborate on exactly what that case is.

11/24/05 PerfectPerformance

The Woodies turned in an error free performance tonight, with not a single errant pass or poor shot.  The defense never got beat once, and our goalie had his first shut out.  This rewarding accomplishment was aided, in part, by the absence of a game on Thanksgiving day.

In separate news, the Woodies' multi-media brand awareness campaign received a big boost with the addition of a Woodies banner at Union Arena.  With their website, banner, and soon to be released line of apparel, the Woodies have all the components of a great hockey team, with the only missing ingredient being talent.

 

11/17/05 Miracle!

.                 .

The discovery of fire.

    The invention of the wheel.

       The printing press.

            The silicon chip.

                 The fall of the Berlin Wall.

                      The couch.  Beer.  The remote.

                           And now...A WOODIES VICTORY!

Truly historic events are rare.  What amazing times we live in.  On an occasion sure to go down in the annals of, um, well, something, the Woodies overcame a first-time-ever goalie to actually win a game (editor's note - my Woodies edition of spell check did not recognize the word "win"), and only borrowed a couple of Northstars to do it.  The final score against the spirited Off the Green team was 3-2, despite the Woodies' efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, giving up 2-goal leads twice. Woodies were at a loss when it came to knowing how to behave. "I think we're supposed to like, celebrate, or whatever," conjectured all star goalie Rob Rice.  Woodies offensive scoring was up 50% from the previous high, and the team cumulative scoring differential (goals for minus goals against) took a giant leap from -33 to -32. Just goes to show...miracle happens.

11/10/05 Offensive Woodies

"Incredible."  "Astounding."  "Wow."  "Is there a bathroom around here?"  Just a few of the reactions from the Woodies, opposing Northstars, refs, and spectator.  In an amazing performance, the Woodies doubled (yes, you read that right) doubled their offensive output, scoring a season high 2 goals, up 100% from the previous maximum.  "We don't like to brag or anything," said forward Mike Skuro, "but it's hard to be humble when you turn in that kind of performance."  The Woodies weren't just a scoring machine tonight, defensively they held the Northstars to a meager 9 goals, not even double digits.

11/3/05 KO'd by K2 Woodies OK

In a squeaker that came down to the last few seconds, the Woodies finally succumbed 8-1 to K2.  "We were A-OK well into the first 3 or 4 minutes of period 1," said game MVP Ethan Shaw, explaining that at that point the Woodies were almost in the lead at 0-0. 

In separate news, local cable television executives plan to air Woodies game films during prime 3:00 AM programming slots, replacing the action packed series Desperate Cost Accountants.

10/27/05Woodies File Protest

The Woodies filed a formal protest today against unfair practices employed by their competitors in the UAHL.  "How are we supposed to compete when the teams we play use these kind of outrageous techniques?" asked forward Bill Stack.  The charges include, among other atrocities, repeatedly passing the puck to players on their own team, shooting the puck into our net instead of at our goalie, and getting in our way when we skate with the puck.  Stack described the Woodies' reluctance to "rock the boat", but added, "Somebody has to speak up."  A Noname who chose to remain unidentified alluded to a "limp performance" by the Woodies and dismissed the charges as " premature accusation."

In other team news, the Woodies launched a new player morale program dubbed Pursoot of Exelens .

10/20/05This Is Our House!

The Woodies aggressively reclaimed their prime real estate in the basement, bumping the disconsolate Wise Guys out of the position.  "This is OUR basement!" asserted Jay Mead.  "Nobody takes away OUR basement!"  League standings now show the Woodies as the team to beat.  Everyone has so far.

10/13/05Top Secret Plan Working

The Woodies' clandestine stealth plan to raise the competition's sense of security took a giant leap forward tonight as they came in second in a 7 to 1 game against Off the Green.  "Right where we want them," commented ace forward Greg Labella.  "There's nothing like giving up 6 goals in the first period to create a sense of over-confidence for the other guys."  Game highlights (captured on local cable TV) included so-called "defenseman" John Chester being responsible for a hat-trick, which he said "would have been even better if it were a hat-trick for our team."

Appreciative fans promote the team motto

10/6/05Practically a Victory

In front of a sellout crowd of 000,004, the Woodies crushed the Northstars, last year's team to beat.  "Crushed" may be a slight overstatement, as the score was 3-1 with the Northstars getting the 3.  If this had been golf, however, the Woodies' lower score would have prevailed.  Among highlights too numerous to mention, this night's Oscar goes to Don "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" Seville for drawing two penalties.

10/5/05 Getting Up for the Season

The Woodies plan to build on the success of last season’s 3-24 win-loss record. “No matter how good you are, there’s always room for improvement,” said wing Steve Drebber. Some of the aggressive objectives include clearing the puck out of the defensive zone at least once each period, and completing two successive passes in a row. The team also hopes to transfer their solid forechecking and offensive penetration from the barroom onto the ice.