6/30/09 Woodies Win BBQ In Overtime

In a rivetingly close game, Woodies lost to Spooners by a razor thin margin of 9-0. It was noted that all of the Spooners players had their mommies and daddies at the game, but none of the Woodies did. The Spooners' fresh diaper change in betweeen periods accounted for the final result. In the slightly delayed post-game holiday Christmas BBQ, the Woodies went undefeated.

6/28/09 Woodies KO K2

Brilliant management by Woodies front office accounted for the 6-4 win against K2-Nonames combo team, as Woodies locked up an 8 game (undisclosed figure) contract with injured reserve former Noname Dave Boot-it-to-the-back-of-the-net, who scored 4 for the hardy Woodies tonight and inspired this run-on sentence.

6/25/09 No Hard Feelings Toward Minors

Luckily, the Woodies are not a team to whine.  Woodies will not even think of mentioning the vast expanse of age differential compared to a team like, say, the Wise Guys.  Woodies categorically refuse to use age as an excuse for the 6-0 loss.  And Woodies decline to theorize that if they had been spotted a point for every 5-year difference in average age, it was a pretty damn close game.  No, the Woodies stay away from sour grapes comments like that.  In fact, the Woodies graciously offered to buy the Wise Guys all a post-game beer, but less than a quarter of them were allowed in the bar.

6/23/09 Near-Win In Summer Opener

In inspired Woodie tradition, the world famous team once again heroically found a way to capture a 5-4 loss despite outshooting the Ice Cubes by a wide margin. Forward Jay-Z Young attributed the classic Woodie performance to a combination of intense spring training and an infusion of new, and old, talent.

3/8/09 Too Bad. So Sad. Our Bad.

In a brutal, intense, pitched battle between the Woodie and Lookout warrior nations, the clock ran out before the Woodies could overcome the 2-1 so-called "final" result.  This marks the end of an amazing season for the Woodies, one in which they moved out of last place, didn't lose any games by double digits, and almost had a team Christmas party.  Union Arena officials were suspicious about the Woodies making it this far into the playoffs, and ordered that all Woodies be tested for performance enhancing drugs.  A representative of the team, along with a spokesperson from Pfizer, manufacturer of Viagra, denied all charges, stating, "Huh?"  Elaborating further, he said, "Just wait til next year."

3/5/09 Woodies Rising

Buoyed by truckloads of Cialis, Levitra and Viagra, the World Famous Woodstock Woodies rose to the occasion to win their second (ever) playoff game 3-1 against K2, the testosterone pumped number one ranked team in the league.  Like Lazurus straining to roll away the rock and emerge from his tomb, like Chris Chelios hanging onto his career well past retirement age, like Tom Jones finding his mojo while covered by Medicare, like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre desperately and irritatingly hanging on, like harrassed and wounded Moby Dick rising to crush the boat, like Keith Richards never saying die even though it might be time, the Woodies kept up their determined hard drive in the face of resistance.  Using their patented Worst Breakout in the LeagueTM® as the foundation for their offensive assaults, Woodies penetrated deeply and frequently and occasionally productively. 

3/4/09 Gravity Disproved

              Bigfoot Sited

                   Barry Manilow Writes Good Song

                        Woodies Win Playoff Game

In an aberration in the space-time continuum, the Woodies won their very first ever playoff victory.  Reverberations echoed throughout the entire universe of mediocre adult ice hockey.  The Woodies did give it their best to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, letting a 4-1 lead dwindle to a final 6-5 favorable result. E coli flavored beef jerky was immediately sent as a gift to members of the K2 team the Woodies face in the next playoff game.

2/26/09 Woodies Advance to Junior Bracket

In an intentional strategem, the Woodies threw their first playoff game to the Nonames in a ploy to play as many games as possible in the double elimination tournament. Out-shooting the Nonames for two thirds of the game, Woodies trailed only 2-1 at the end of the first period and 3-2 at the end of the second, and then, drawing on ancient tribal Woodie rituals, disintegrated to hand the nameless ones an 8-3 result. 

2/18/09 WOODIES MAKE PLAYOFFS!

Joke Never Dies!       

For the sixth year in a row, the World Famous Woodstock Woodies clinched a spot in the playoffs.  Woodies were one of only 8 teams in the eight team league to do so.  In tonight's game, love was in the air as K2 handed the Woodies a belated Valentine's Day Massacre.  The game started out romantically as Nick Loverbo'brien spied some hot chick in the stands (girlfriend? trophy wife?) and scored the first goal.  She left and the Woodies sagged, giftwrapping 5 goals for K2.  Reverend Ray revved up with 4.4 seconds left for a final piece of chocolate. 

2/15/09 DMW APB on MIA Woodies

The Department of Missing Woodies was busier than the Unemplyment Office tonight, trying to locate AWOL team members.  Only seven Woodie skaters were positively identified on the ice against Lookout Tavern, who brought the maximum crowd allowed by the fire marshall to beat the Woodies 7-1.  Philosopher Billy-Buddha Elberty spoke to his disciples afterward, saying, "What is worse than losing a hockey game is not playing a hockey game."

2/12/09 Subprime Result

Despite the current downturn, the 7 Woodies skaters and goalie were fully employed in tonight's 3-1 deficit to the Ice Cubes. Regulators took an active role in the fiscal physical crisis, bailing out the Cubes with massive bonuses of only 8 penalties versus the Woodies' 11. Overwhelmingly in favor of a stimulus package, Woodies put up stiff resistance but could not borrow, mortgage, or steal enough goals to bankrupt the cold squares. Hockey fan Bernie Madoff commented, "I really feel for the Woodies - they couldn't get away with anything."

2/5/09 Exciting SuperGoal

Special Report from ESPN / Associated Press / CNN / UPI / Fox News / SI.  Union Arena, Woodstock, Vermont.  At a press conference following the game, Kurt Warner wistfully stated his fervent wish that he could have pulled off an upset like the Woodies' down-to-the-wire victory over the Northstars dynasty. It was a light-hearted friendly game, a rare pleasure for the refs, filled with frolics and fun-loving zany antics, like the minor flesh wound incurred by T. Ceelee.  Ben Blaque emerged from his distant digs in East Butte Fuque to put the game winning biscuit in the basket.

1/21/09 New Administration in Town

In a spectacle heralded by millions around the world, the Woodies ceremoniously accepted their inaugural win against the Nonames in a shootout.  It was an emotional event for many.  "I never thought I'd live to see the day when a Woodie would step into this position," said one long time hockey activist.  In his first act as Secretary of Defense & Goaltending, Mike Robamagana sent a clear message to enemies of freedom and/or Woodies that while we will engage in robust dialogue on the ice, our spirit cannot be broken.  Well, except for the last 5 years.  Now we have change we can believe in:  Yes We Can! suck a little less.

1/15/09 Day Of Miracles

First, a USAir plane crashed on the Hudson with zero fatalities.  Then the USWoodies played a game without a single penalty.  Next, living human beings with no readily apparent signs of dysfunction showed up, ON PURPOSE, to watch the game.  And most amazing of all, the Woodies won a game, solidifying their stranglehold on the coveted #5 spot in the 8-team league.  Weverend Way Wice claimed 8 assists in the 7-1 victory over the Fighting Swans. 

1/8/09 Woodies Help Wise Guys' Self Image

Woodies were wanquished by WiseGuys in a wild and wicious war.  Exhibiting superior time management skills, Woodies delayed arrival at the rink until the Zamboni was almost finshed, resulting in cardiac issues for the goalkeeper.  Woodies contributed nine penalties this game, including three 2-man down situations, meaning that they were actually playing 3 on 8, including the referees. 

12/18/08 Back To Basics

We played at night. The ice was cold. The puck really slid well in the first period but not that

well in the last. There were people on the ice with a different color jersey than ours, who got the puck in our metal & net contraption more times than we put it in theirs. The striped guys always blew a whistle, picked up the puck and than went into a circle and dropped it on the dot. We caught on pretty quick, though. With one sub, our third line was better than our first. All two defenseman were on the ice for the whole game. The one time the striped guys did not drop the puck, somebody got mad and drove a machine on the ice and chased us off. Man, this sport is tough.

12/11/08 Cubes Square Woodies

In the quasi-Euclidian space-time dimension known as Union Arena, solving the equation for situating a flat black rubber cylinder past a specified 6'x4' plane proved mathematically challenging for the scholarly Woodies.  The new & improved Ice Cubes relied on random geometry* to calculate a 4-2 (or x=w2) algebraic result in their favor.

*lucky shots

12/3/08 That's What She Said

Woodies had a hard time putting it in tonight, with seven skaters losing stamina as they faced stiff competition against the NorthPoles, or NorthStars, or whatever.  Somewhat distracted by a special holiday greeting from the Woodies Fan Club, the team aggressively foreplayed, or forechecked, or whatever, but couldn't achieve deep enough penetration, leading to an unsatisfying and premature deprivation of 4-1. 

11/20/08 Tragic 4th Period Loss Despite .500

Bittersweet.  Previously undefeated in 4th period oral rehydration therapy particiation, Woodies lost the postgame but elevated their league standing to 3 wins - 3 losses by beating Lookout Tavern by a slim 2-1 margin.  Tavernites showed up in droves for the apres skate, swamping the Woodies' limp performance in that department.  In other news, Woodies suggested and sort of kind of a little bit tentatively planned a possible potential maybe Woodies Christmas Party, though no futher details were revealed for fear of being overrun by worldwide fans and papparazzi.

11/13/08 Other Than Result, A Good Game

This was a tie game except for the one (1) minute (60 freakin seconds) when the Woodies completely broke down and allowed 3 goals, leading to a 7-4 win for the Nonames in an injust twist of the universal plan.  Reverend Ray Rumrunner Rice renewed his record in receiving referee reprimands, resulting in recurring respites in the box. As always, Woodies won the fourth period in a local rehydration station.. 

11/6/08 Legal Ease

With a judicious bench of only seven skaters, the Woodies filed suit against the entire school body representing the Fighting Swans of Vermont Law School.  The Woodies were awarded a 9-2 victorious settlement.

10/30/08 Working 9 to 5

The aging but upright Woodies scored 5 goals against the Wise Guy High School team.  Woodies expressed their gratitude to the senior leadership triumvirate of Eckler, Brands & Hersey for limiting the Wise Guys to a mere 9 goals. ESPN highlight clips from the game featured defenseman John Chesthair with a goal and an assist on a single shift, including the you-can't-teach-that tip off his skate into his own goal.

10/23/08 Almost A Win!

Ending their scorching season-opening winning streak, the Woodies lost to K2 in a shoot-out after a hard fought 2-2 tie at the end of regulation time. Returning to form after a disappointing penalty-free game the week before, Ray Rice-a-roni set up housekeeping in the penalty box. “We could have won that game if we’d only had more goals,” commented defenseman and part-time brain surgeon Chris Nichoholic.

10/15/08 Universe Goofs: Woodies Undefeated

The World Famous Woodstock Woodies surged to the dominant position in the UAHL after beating the Ice Cubes 6-3.  Woodies currently lead the entire league, including all the other teams that have not played yet.  "It's a gratifying feeling for sure," commented uber-star Ben Black, "but we don't want to get cocky* about it."  Bill Elberty, avoiding answering any questions directly, stated, "The Woodies are not a slow team.  The Woodies are not a fast team.  The Woodies are a half-fast team."

* unintentional Woodies pun

7/13/08 Terra Incognita

...aka "unfamiliar territory." The WiseWoodies are experiencing vertigo as they climb out of the basement for the first itme in their storied history.  In a momentous development, the team is guaranteed a .500 summer ice season, moving to a 4-3 record with a 9-1 win over K2 and only one more game left.  The score was somewhat deceiving, as the WiseWoodies goalie left it all on the ice, after leaving it all in the locker room.

7/10/08 Ripley's Believe It Or... Oh, Right

After being shellacked 14-4 by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Spooners just two days earlier, would anyone believe that the WiseWoodies could come back from a 5-0 deficit at the end of the second period against the Ice Cubes to win in a shoot-out 8-7?  Ripleys Believe It Or Not sent their entire field team of verification specialists to interrogate the refs, the scorekeeper, and all two of the fans present.  "We see a lot of preposterous stories, but this just didn't connect to reality in recognizable way," said N. B. Leevabel, Ripley's Director of Inf***ingcredible Sh**.  "Nevertheless, it all checked out, even the part about the antique, pre-historic, antediluvian, neanderthal 50 year old scoring the winning shoot-out goal."

6/29/08 Sports Reporter At Loss

A sportswriter faced an acute case of writer's block when confronted with a 10-1 WiseWoodies win against the Ice Cubes.  "Because I follow this team exclusively, I don't even know how to spell W, except at the beginning of Woodies," explained the shell-shocked reporter, who begged not to be identified.  Compounding the quandary was the unprecedented and credibility-stretching double digit offensive result, within a week of 13-3 and 7-0 losses to Spooners and K2.  "I'm trying to produce serious journalism here.  Who in their right mind is going to believe this story?"

3/5/08 Just When It Was All Coming Together

Not one of the nationally syndicated sportswriters present would disagree that the Woodies unquestionably outplayed OTG, despite the latter's 5-3 undeserved triumph.  It was crystal clear that the season was ending just as the Woodies were gellin' like a felon, no matter what story you're sellin'. 

2/28/08 Woodies Make Playoffs - Again!

For the fourth consecutive year, the Woodies attained a coveted UAHL playoff berth.  Only the top eight teams in the 8-team league are thusly honored.  Woodies chose to undertake the challenge of the non-winners bracket in the double elimination tournament by allowing the Northstars to take the first game. 

2/20/08 Woodies Face Projectile Dysfunction

Woodies were on top 3-1 well into the third period, but couldn't keep it up long enough to come away fully satisfied, giving it up to KY2 4-3.  Their initial upstanding performance and penetrating foreplaychecking petered out as the game reached its climax.  Several penal offenses put Woodies in the box just when they were poised for multiple scoregasms.

2/14/08 Woodies Show Mercy

All 8 of the Woodies present mercifully let the Big-E's off the hook 4-2.  If it had not been for Emo's sniping, it would have been 4-0. All in all the Woodies did good. Passing and everything. Only one penalty all night for the Woodies, all the more shocking because Wild Rice AND Knucklehead Nichols stayed out of the box.

1/31/08 Super Thursday Results Stun Pundits

Despite advance polls and widespread predictions of a Woodies' victory, the Woodies elected to lose the hockey caucuses to the extremist Off The Green Party.  1-0 front-runners early in the primaries, the Woodies ran a competitive campaign ending the second period 2-2.  After a collapse in momentum put the Woodies behind 5-2, the Comeback Kids rallied enough votes to a 5-4 score before their final concession speech reflected the delegate count at 7-4.

1/24/08 Shucks

Outshot in the shootout, Woodies came up short vs. Wisenheimers.  The upshot was the shutout that should have taken shape shook out to be shamefully shaky.  Looking sharp and sharing a 2-2 tie after the last shift, Woodies shooters shanked their shots and got shellacked in the sham shootout.

1/17/08 The Secret of Our Suck-cess

They said it couldn't be done.  But once again, the Woodies proved the skeptics wrong, showing beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can indeed lose 8-1 to the Northstars.  During the post game press conference, reporters repeatedly asked questions around the central theme: How do the Woodies do it?  Coach L. Bertie said it's no one thing that accounts for Woodies results, rather it's attention to all the details.  "Whether it's bunching up, screening our own goalie, keeping our head down, holding on to the puck, desperate blind passing, or unproductive penalties, they all add up.  If you practice these things and do them over and over long enough, well, it just becomes second nature."

1/10/08 Woodies Prove Nonames Bane

So-called "official" scores are so over-rated.  The world famous Woodstock Woodies beat the Nonames 4-3 in the last two periods.  But does anyone notice?  Huh?  Just because the Nonames got 5 obviously flukey goals to the Woodies' 1 well-deserved goal in the first period, the oh-so-important "final" score was 8-5.  (Woodies beat local bookies' point spread in any case.)  Sadly, the Woodies lost the penalty competition 3-2. 

1/3/08 Woodies - Patriots Comparison?

The world famous Woodies tonight were accused of running up their statistics just like that other successful New England team.  In this case the Woodies absolutely dominated the penalty box, with 16 penalties vs a pathetic 7 by the hapless OK2whine team, meaning that the Woodies played man down for the equivalent of 2 entire periods (against both K2 and the referees).  Two Woodies scored penalty hat tricks, and one was prematurely ejected from the game due to a philosophical difference of opinion.  On a meaningless side note, the score was 5-2 not in favor of the Woodies.

12/21/07  Small Edge to Big E's

Whether you believe a good man is hard to find or a hard man is good to find, for this game Woodies were certainly hard to find, as half the team went AWOL for undisclosed reasons.  Nevertheless, the few, the proud, the futile small band of brothers fought valiantly to another near win against Big E's at 5-4.

12/7/07  Charitable Giving, Woodies Style

In a gesture of goodwill toward all, even OTG, the Woodies made six charitable donations, and only recieved one in return.  As usual, the Woodies relied entirely on luck as a strategy, foregoing such pedestrian concepts as skill, teamwork, and stamina.  "We've based our entire franchise on the off chance of fluky events in our favor," said Spike "Steroids" Skuro.  "Why would we change now?"

11/29/07  Lies, Damn Lies, and Official Scores

Countless fans (literally, countless) watching the Woodies - Wise Guys match tonight would agree that were it not for the Wise Guys' 5 goals, the Woodies would have won 1-0.  Woodies tied two of the three periods and logically, rationally, and reasonably attributed the other period to bad luck.

11/22/07  Thankswoodies Celebration

The flock of turkeys collectively known as the Woodies cooked up a perfect feast without getting basted or having the stuffing kicked out of them, and gave thanks for not being creamed at Onion Arena, due partially to the lack of games this week.

11/15/07  So Close

Northstars barely escaped unscathed in a pitched 9-2 battle against the intrepid Woodies.  "One more period and they were toast," commented Bill Elbonian, "especially if they didn't stick around for that next period."

11/7/07  Who Cares Anyway?

As if it were a big deal, the Nonames thought they were all that and a bag of potato chips just because they won some stupid hockey game against the Woodies 10-4 good buddy.  Like anyone cares. 

11/1/07  Woodies Can't Put It In

Woodies penetrated deeply with multiple organic scoring openings, but were repeatedly shut down prematurely by the smokin' hot unsurmounted K2 team. Age was clearly not a factor in the 4-0 result in the contest between the adolescent K2 teenagers and the geriatric Woodie AARP constituency.

10/29/07  Woodies Climb the Mediocrity Summit

Exhibiting their distinctive, intensely second-rate capabilities, the Woodies turned in a fanatically substandard performance tonight against the Fighting Swans. Ill at ease with a winning record, the Woodies zealously pursued and successfully attained a more undistinguished .500 record with a shoddy 3-2 loss to the pugilistic avians.

10/25/07  Woodies Finally Prevail in Defensive Battle

As the near-shutout 8-7 score indicates, goalies clearly dominated this game.  Stepping in for the Woodies' involuntarily "vacationing" goalie (see last week's write-up), J. "Big Sieve" Chesmeister put in a big performance to hold the Big E's to a mere 7 goals. "He came up huge," said R. Wild Rice. "He was even better than if we had put, like, a couple of old tires in the goal."

10/18/07  Woodies Gone Wild!

Mayhem! Bedlam! Pandefrigginwoodiemonium!  A last minute brawl broke out as the frenzied Woodies' goalie "skated up" to engage in pleasantries with opposing goaltender of the well-named Fighting Swans. The Woodies scored a remarkable 5 goals by 5 different players for the second week in a row, and still managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

10/11/07           Woodies Win

Cancer Cured

Elvis Attends Game

Shroud of Turin Discovered in Hockey Bag

Elberty Speaks Understandable Sentence

Shocking the entire universe of old people's mediocre hockey, the Woodies pulled off a 5-2 WIN against a buff, ripped, jacked, hardbody OTG team. Scoring came from LabellaSkuroBlackEmoRice. Woodies petitioned the league to end the current season immediately.

10/10/07  Woodies Start Season Undefeated!

Fans worldwide celebrated the Woodies' incredible, so far 100% undefeated record in the first -0- games of the 2007-2008 season.  "I can't believe they've made it this far without one loss," said athletic supporter Lou Serr. 

7/12/07  FIGHTING WOODIES

ROCK THE B-UNIVERSE!

The Fighting Woodies overcame an undermanned, aging, and tired Wise Guys squad 5-1 to dominate, rule, freaking bulldoze the entire world of mediocre hockey. Their 3 wins during the summer season quadrupled that of any previous record.  You do the math.

7/10/07  Fighting Woodies vs Big E's

Blah blah.

7/6/07  Fighting Woodies vs OTG

Yadda yadda.

7/3/07  Fighting Woodies vs Nicknames

Whatever.

6/28/07  David Beats Goliath

The Fighting Woodies beat the winter league champion Wise Guys.  "It's just amazing what you can accomplish simply by throwing more lawyers at a problem," commented team member and rapper Steve Dr Dre Drebber.  "It also seems to help when Chester doesn't show up."

6/26/07  Fighting Woodies Win In Penalties

The FW's blew away Big E's in penalty minutes, under the false impression that the team with the most penalties win.  The FW's played better a man down anyway, getting two goals from superstar Kyle Koetsier, but apparently didn't get quite enough penalties, losing 4-3 in goals (oh that's how you win the game...)

6/21/07  Fighting Woodies Back In Town

Back in true form the FW's lost the second game of the season 4-1 to the Nicknames, with penalty box season ticket holders Ben Black and Peter Chick taking turns keeping the seat warm.  

6/19/07  Benedict Nichols Ensures Fighting Woodies Victory

The Fighting Woodies (a summer combo of Fighting Swans and Woodies) rocketed to first place in the standings for several hours with an upset win over OTG.  Divine justice reigned down on traitor Chris Nichols who abandoned the Woodies in their time of need for the false hope of joining a superior team.

 

4/22/07  Victory in Montreal!

Borrowing the Woodies' name for the weekend, an eminent group of nuclear physicists, rocket scientists, and brain surgeons gathered in Montreal for some good old fashioned intellectual entertainment.  Defying all statistical models, they brought home an actual WIN, the first international victory for the somewhat Woodstock, Vermont-based World Famous Woodies. They also achieved two extreme negative wins, which probablility models had strongly predicted.

Weekend highlights are too numerous to record (and CODE OF SILENCE violations could result in untimely death) but a sampling would have to include:

  • the reinvention of hockey fashion by an unnamed Woodie (initials Sc_ttH_rs_y), with the ultra hip mini-shin-guard which he modeled at the wrong rink to a standing ovation
  • An unnamed Woodie (initials B_nBl_ck) was tossed for fighting, even though another unnamed teammate (intitials Chr_sN_ch_ls) prevented him from getting in just one good punch
  • having been overserved some bad water at the rink, during the 3rd and final game a minority of the Woodies managed to stay upright throught the entire game
  • 100% attendance at all games
  • Woodies scored in every game
  • the mercy rule was employed BUT only 2 out of 3 times
  • the other teams really liked us
  • it has now been 12 full months since one unnamed player (H_ghM_cK_nzi_) has had a close encounter with a “Mountie”
  • the referees FOR OUR GAMES were selected by the organizers due to their off ice profession as Advanced Psychotherapists
  • only one of our players' mugs was plastered on wanted posters (B_llD_nahu_) being handed out by customs agents to the throngs of weary hockey players waiting to cross back into the US
  • CHE’s GM, Glen Forbes, said we inspired him to offer the NO GAMES INCLUDED package for next year
  • Not a single Woodie was caught driving the bus
  • Woodies have proven the theory “Can’t skate = Can’t dance”

If you wish to add to this report, then a) get a life, or b) email your contribuiton to Guy Who Has Nothing Better To Do Than Write Stupid Articles.

 

3/5/07  Woodies Live Up To Expectations!

With notable offensive production, the Woodstock Woodies scored 5 goals against K2.  Even more remarkable was the fact that they had 10 assists, including the ones to K2 players, who scored 8 goals.  The overacheiving Woodies went so far as to pass the puck to the opposing point, and then screen their own goalie.  "You can't teach that kind of play. Not that I'm bragging," commented Most Generous Defenseman John Chester.

"It's not that we lost," explained Bobby Orr Coates, "It's just that we seek to spend more time with our families," which the Woodies will be able to do now that their season is officially over.

By the way, adult hockey is a stupid game played by idiotic losers trying to reclaim the fictitious glory of their youth, and anyone who takes it too seriously ought to get a life.  Not that this is sour grapes or anything.

3/1/07  Woodies Advance to Junior Bracket

Shattering historical attendance records, a packed house of over an entire dozen Woodies fans thronged Union Arena for the UAHL playoffs. The Woodies did not disappoint, resolutely locking up a spot in the non-winners bracket of the double elimination tournament. MVP substitute goalie Jared Walker shut out the lifeless Nonames in the first period and held them to an insignificant 2-1 lead in the second, but the Nonames played hard in spurts (something the Woodies strive for) and eventually took the game 4-1. Ray "Bad Daddy" Rice demonstrated to his young son how much fun is is to get some rest in the penalty box, twice.

 

2/23/07  Woodies Clinch!!

Woodies fans worldwide celebrated as the Woodies officially secured a UAHL playoff berth.  Only 8 teams in the league attain this privileged distinction.  With only one tie to blemish their otherwise perfect 0-648-1 record, the Woodies finished off the regular season with a big 1-3 negative win vs OTG.  "It's hard to stay humble when you play at our level," commented Steve Drebber. "We think we could probably beat any Mite team in the country."

2/15/07 Small Numbers, Big Woodies

With nary a single substitute, 5 stalwart Woodies skaters and one acrobatic Woodie goalie humiliated the Northstars by completely shutting them down in the second period, and keeping them to a minimal 2 point score differential.  Chris "Shoot From Anywhere" Nichols bagged one from the blue line for the Woodies.  It looks as if the Woodies have solidified their standing in the league, and will more than likely make the playoffs for the second year in a row.  

In other news, rumors of an impending sale continue to spook the league.  The world famous Woodstock Woodies are one of the few North American sport franchises still available to investors putting up billions to own a piece of the action and be associated with a quality name in sports.  Offers on the table, if any, have not been made public, and team officials declined to comment on record.

2/8/07  Nowoodies Noshows vs Nonames

Recent studies have shown that absenteeism in the US has reached its highest level in years. Despite the idyllic setting of their local community and the belief that "things are different here," the Woodies have been plagued by this shameful national epidemic.  Tonight they had only two subs in a game against the defending league champion Nonames.  Even so, the few, the proud, the tired Woodies who appeared almost pulled off an upset with a goal by Mike "The Crease Is My Home" Skuro, and giving up only10 flukey Noname goals. Anyone watching the game would tell you it could have gone either way.

2/1/07  Swans Beat Off Woodies

Despite impressive penetrating scores by brainiac Greg Cerelabellum and part-time fashion model Pete Hotchick, the Woodies succumbed to a 5-2 whumping by the pugilistic birds. 

1/25/07  ZamWooodie

Move over Nancy Pelosi:  Heather Rubenstein has come to town.  The real transgender barrier, or glacé ceiling, was shattered as the Zambeauty goalie held the Big E's scoreless in the first period.  This was, incidentally, the only time in recorded history that 12 males agreed a female had a "really good period."  For results on the rest of the game, look somewhere else. 

1/18/07  Snatching Defeat from the Hands of Victory. Twice.

Mike "2/3 Of A Hat Trick" Skuro wore his janitorial uniform and cleaned up in front of the net, putting the Woodies ahead 1-0 and later 2-1.  The Woodies took 417 shots (including 11 on goal) but still found themselves behind the Wise Guys 4-3 with a couple of minutes left.  The Viagra kicked in, and the Woodies poured it on...only to get deflated by an empty netter.

1/11/07  Sportswriters Ignore Game

ESPN, CNN, Sports Illustrated, The Vermont Standard...all coincidentally forgot to cover the Woodies January 11, 2007 game.  Until a week later.  Legend has it that the Woodies put all of their considerable talent into the first 45 second shift, where they miraculously gave up 2 goals.  "You just can't teach that kind of talent," observed Woodies Fan Club President Vic Cox.  Other stuff happened and then the Woodies lost.

1/5/07  If a Woodie Falls on the Ice and No Ref Hears Him, Does He Still Get Penalized?

Despite their woodie-fired furnace of desire, the Woodies got chain-sawed, wood-chipped, and burn-piled 2-0 by OTG.  Apparently the refs are not bilingual, mistaking "%$#@  #!&" as a bad thing, and ejecting a Woodie whose name has been withheld to protect the kinda sorta maybe innocent.  Another strategic business meeting was held at Office The Green.

12/28/06  Woodies Schizophrenic, And So Are Woodies

Displaying multiple personality condition, the Woodies sandwiched a 1-0 second period win between 0-5 first period and 1-5 third period non-wins against the Northstars.  Psychiatrists were at a loss to explain the Woodies' apparent spite toward their own goalie, as the entire team abandoned the front of the net for most of the game.  Chris Nichols' claim that the Woodies were intentionally working on their "defensive game" was met with skepticism.

12/21/06  Underdogfood

David up against Goliath...

Rocky Balboa up against Apollo Creed...

Robert the Bruce up against the English (you know, Braveheart)...

Fred Tuttle up against Patrick Leahy...

And tonight the plucky Woodstock Woodies up against the #1 ranked NoNames...

Was this the night?  Tensions mounted.  Upset was in the air. 

Unfortunately not the air breathed by the Woodies. The NoNames fought for each of their 4 goals, while the lone Woodies power play goal would have made the ESPN highlights if only the cameraman hadn't been on break at the time.

12/14/06  Legal Beef

Vermont Law School's Fighting Swans lived up to their name, as the long lost fourth Hanson brother, resurfacing as an environmental law student, succumbed to the pressures of exam week by committing multiple acts of aggravated assault.  With objections to the refs' rulings overruled, and after considerable jail time without bail, he was held in contempt and motioned to be dismissed.  The game was a de jure victory for the Woodies (res ipsa loquitur), but a de facto 2-1 win for the floating fowl, in a clear travesty of justice.  Woodies subsequently procured liquidated damages at Off The Green.

12/7/06 Those Woodies!

The Big E’s beat the Woodies on the ice 3-1, but lost the cool team name competition (though everyone interviewed for this article admitted that “Big E’s” certainly beat their previous names “New Team” and “Hop Devils.”) In this single game Emo Chynowoodiewyth attained Woodie Of The Week and Woodie Of The Month for most goals scored, with a grand total of 1. At the press conference afterwards, he credited his teammates. “It’s a real honor to receive this recognition, but it couldn’t have happened if everyone else on the team hadn’t purposely missed every shot they took. I guess I’m just lucky my teammates suck so bad.”

11/30/06 Woodies Suck

The Woodies firmed up their preferred position on the bottom. Of the league.  They played well in spurts, but the Woodies' attempts at offensive penetration and foreplay were beat off by the stiff competition of the Wise Guys team.  It was hard on the Woodies to get creamed prematurely, but they were hustlers nonetheless.  Even though the Woodies did not erect solid shots at scoring, they only stimulated two penal episodes from the refs, and no one was ejaculated from the game.  The Wise Guys played their forth line offspring of NHL players, and the Woodies look forward to playing junior Gretzkys, Espisitos, and Orrs in the future.

11/23/06 Thankful Woodies

The Woodies made no mistakes and allowed no goals on Thanksgiving, due to dogged determination and the lack of a game this week.

11/16/06 Game Ends Before Woodies Win

The Woodies outshot, outskated, and outhustled K2, who relied solely on luck for their 2-0 lead as time ran out before the inevitable Woodies victory.  "This is OUR outhouse," said outstanding Woodie winger Borat Chynoweth. "Nobody comes into OUR outhouse. Except maybe tonight. Well, and every Thursday."

NEWSFLASH:  Drawing worldwide attention, UAHL team Fighting Swans brought a mascot to a league game earlier in the evening.  Plus they brought fans, who appeared to be living -- despite the widely held belief that no one with an actual life would watch a UAHL game.  Woodies responded immediately with an announcement of plans for their own avian mascot, Woodie Woodpecker.  When asked whether Arena management would allow the double entendre, a Woodies spokesperson would only comment, "Ha ha ha ha ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha."

11/9/06 Woodies Tie!  Really.

Skating toe to toe vs OTG, the tuned up Woodies tallied a two to two tie in a tight tit for tat team test.  Remarkably, the testosterone-charged Woodies racked up nary a single penalty, nor a single injury, if you don't count the deer or Labella's car on the way to the game.  Jon Chambermaid kept a clean house in net, stepping in for Rob Rice, Woodies Martyr of the Month, who broke a rib last week on the battlefield of the Great and Holy Cause of the Woodies Jihad.

11/2/06 Woodies Tie Northstars 3-3

and then the rest of the game occurred.  The subsequent 4 unanswered Northstar goals need not be mentioned in this article.  Two unnamed players (hint: *th*n Sh*w and P*t*r D*sm**l*s), one from each team, were ejected for Horseplay, Roughhousing and Using Their Outside Voices. 

In separate news, Woodies VP of Public Relations, Chubby Johnson, announced that there are still some seats available for Woodies games.

10/26/06 Nonames Maimed

Woodies rallied in the second period to overcome a trivial 6-1 lead by the NoNames. With the game tied 6-6 in the third period, Woodies forward Mike Skuro commented, "We let them get overconfident early on by falling way behind. On purpose, of course. Very strategic." The near upset ended with a classic but respectable 8-6 Woodies loss. This game probably represents a career high scoring record for the World Famous Woodstock Woodies, but it could not be confirmed at press time because nobody could find the napkin that the team stats are kept on.

10/19/06 Swan Meat Not So Tasty

Looking to feast on the other white meat with a massive early 1-0 lead, the Woodies lost their appetite as Vermont Law School's Fighting Swans handed out a 4-1 Habeas Lossus.  Vaudeville performer & defenseman Bill "I'm Babbling and I Can't Shut Up" Elberty, after considering facial plastic surgery, opted for a flesh wound to the nose, which he treated with duck (not swan) tape.  Greg "Peacemaker" Labella exchanged a spirited expression of pleasantries with the aquatic avians, resulting in a short and scenic vacation to the penalty box.

10/11/06 Like Winning Only Different!

In the UAHL's season opener, the world-famous win-challenged weapon-disabled Woodies worked their wizardry to pull off an amazing 2-1 near-win against the new HopDevils team.  Nick "Fast Break, Sort Of" O'Brien provided the Woodies' huge offensive (near record-breaking) production of one entire goal.  Team waterboy Chester got an assist, but to the other team - in a record 23 seconds into the game.

8/30/06 Tryouts

Winning teams attract the power players.  It's not good or bad, it's just the way it is.  In unrelated news, the Woodies are instituting TRYOUTS to form their roster this year.  A gruelling gamut of challenges face the erstwhile teammates, including, but not limited to:

1) Consciousness, defined liberally

2) A heartbeat

3) Evidence of breathing / respiratory activity of some sort

4) Ability to skate at least one (1) entire length of the rink, without a rest on the way

5) Last year's players get squatters rights

7/17/06 Pass the Puck, or Pass Out

Skating again with a short bench of only seven players, the Woodies shell shocked the No Names by scoring early in the game. In fact, had the referees ended the game after the first minute the Woodies would have posted an upset victory unseen since the 1980 Winter Olympics. But the Woodies played like they were coached by Mel Brooks, not Herb Brooks, and there was no miracle tonight. At least not at first. Then just when it seemed that all hope was lost, the Woodies pulled off a brilliant 12-3 loss. Even though the opposing team scored into double digits the woodies held the point spread in the single digits. Forward Tod Minotti told ESPN reporters in the post game interview "holding the point spread in the single digits was miraculous but the true miracle was that Drebber didn't pass out."

7/13/06 Tight Game

A freak OTG goal late in the 3rd period ended the Woodies' tie-ing streak of two periods.

7/10/06 Woodies Take the Lead

The Woodies jumped out in front with a 2-0 lead in the first period against the Village People.  The rest of the game wasn't very interesting.

7/6/06 Showing the Old Form

In the signature style that fans have come to expect, the Woodies rocked the Northstars' world tonight.  The Northstars never knew what hit them.  Nothing actually hit them in the razor close 9-0 game.

7/3/06 Friendly Competition

A hockey game spontaneously broke out during a slugfest at Union Arena between the Woodies and Nonames.  No criminal charges have been pressed either way.

6/30/06 Almost Like A Victory

Could it be?  The Woodies stepped out of character to post a TIE against Off the Green.

6/27/06 Woodies Post Negative Victory

Without missing a beat, the Summer Woodies picked up right where they left off during the winter with a spectacular win by minus 5 points over the Wise Guys.  "It feels good to know we haven't lost one iota of skill, stamina, or team play," said so-called defenseman John Chester, also pointing out that "you can't lose something you never had."  Chester had an incredible first period shift, contributing to two Wise Guy goals, one with a graceful backward yard-sale fall, and the other with a picture-perfect pass to the opposing team.  "I don't want to brag, but you can't teach that," said the normally modest Woodie.

 

4/1/06 Incredible!

Two months without a loss.  Well, almost two months. Seven weeks anyway, and the amazing Woodies have not lost a single game.  What accounts for this turn of events?  Is it the coalescing of a team focus on a common goal?  Is it a sudden inexplicable imrovement in skills?  Is it hustle?  Desire?  Mojo?  No one knows for sure, but Jay Mead commented, "Ever since the ice went out, we've never played better.  We're not sure if it has something to do with the season being over."

3/2/06 (edited by the White House Press Office) Woodies Suck

Claim Victory & Go Home

It was an ignominious glorious end to a pathetic productive season for the hapless vigorous Woodies.  The Woodies lost 5-3 to the so-called Wise Guys.  The Woodies made progress in the ongoing struggle for freedom and democracy in the face of geezer hockey terrorism. Predictably they ended up in the basement 6th place slot of the league.  They established a solid foundation for a successful future and have set a one year timetable for advancing all the way to the second worst team in the league.

3/1/06 The Streak Continues!

More good news:  The Woodies tonight secured the opportunity to be the 5th or 6th team in the entire Union Arena Hockey League, in a game to be played tomorrow night at 9:00 (tickets still available, but act fast).  How did they achieve this distinction?  By kicking K2's sorry butt in every category - except the final 3-1 score.  That's how.

NewsFlash! NewsFlash! NewsFlash! NewsFlash!

2/23/06 Woodies Playoff Bound!

Jubilant Woodies celebrated the amazing turn of events securing them a spot in the UAHL playoffs.  This was no mean feat, considering that only the top 6 teams in the league reach this elite level.  Through an obscure and somewhat convoluted mathematical formula you probably wouldn't understand, the Woodies' incomparable 2-17 record was more than sufficient to lock up a playoff slot.

"It was great to end the regular season with a power performance like tonight," said Peter Chick.  "We held the Nonames to just a handful of goals.  A full handful.  But just one handful."

2/16/06 VP of Hockey

Tonight the Woodies played with heart.  The heart of a 65 year old vasculopath with a 30-year history of coronary atherosclerosis, multiple myocardial infarctions, left ventricular dysfunction, cardiac electrical instability, and presumed peripheral atherosclerotic disease.  In short, the heart of a vice president.

In the role of Harry Whittington, the Woodies goalie took shots to the face, chest, and any other body part you can name in the 5-1 loss to the Wise Guys.  "I felt like a sitting duck, er, quail," was his comment.  The Woodies were criticized for the delay in getting information to the press, which only came out through the scorekeeper's leak to an obscure website.

2/9/06 Haiku For U

All creative ways to describe another loss have been exhausted.  Therefore switching to the ancient tradition of haiku poetry:

desperation lunge

not a chance to stop the shot

do we ever suck

what another goal

screened goaltender no breakout

be the tao of suck

2/2/06 Like Victory, Only Different

At the end of the second period, the Woodies had a highly respectable 3 goal deficit against league leading Northstars.  The third period should be disregarded, for reasons that don't need lengthy elaboration for fear of boring the reader with details of the final 8-1 result.  Woodies' high scorer of the game, Ethan Shaw, attributed the team's remarkable performance to a unique combination of "unconfidence, incompetence and incontinence."

1/26/06 That's the Ticket

The Woodies found themselves up 2-0 in the second period, perilously close to a win against K2.  It was time to rally, and the team rose to the occasion as only the Woodies can.  Slowly and determinedly, step by step, inch by inch, they gave away one goal, then another, and in the closing minutes a third goal to cinch the loss.  Goalie Rob Rice was busier than a NSA wire tapper, stopping more shots than your spam blocker. 

1/19/06 Foreplay

In an effort to move their fortunes forward, the Woodies forayed into the Nonames' fortress, but were forbidden.  They forgot to forecheck foremost of the game, and perhaps should have forfeited. Remarkably foregoing injuries or penalties, the Woodies can be forgiven for feeling forlorn after the 5-0 lost. The formal forecast is the Woodies will still foresuck.

1/12/06 Spirit of Giving

With the Red Cross Bloodmobile coming to Woodstock the day after this game, good samaritan Nick O'Brien decided to get a jump start on the blood donation, with help from Wise Guy #14.  "I punched his hockey stick with my lip," said O'Brien.  In addition to giving blood, the Woodies generously gave away 6 goals, with no reciprocating courtesy from the Wise Guys.

1/5/06 Very Disappointing

The Woodies did everything they could in the final minutes to give away the game, but spoiled their almost spotless record with the second win of the season.  Through some strange unexplained phenomena the Woodies found themselves ahead 3-0 against Off the Green late in the third period.  Coming together as a team, they found a way to let in two quick goals.  For the first time in Woodies history the opposing team pulled their goalie.  Despite the heroic effort, the Woodies weren't able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  Despite the fact that both Bill Elberty and Peter Chick had considerable ice time, there were NO PENALTIES.

12/22/05 Another Close One

The Woodies are pouring it on.  Shot on goal!  Save!   But the Northstar goalie is out of the cage...the puck is in front of the net...only a foot away from the goal...a Woodies shot, and goooooaaaaa, uh, wait, hold on...a miss?  Amazing!  What skill, what talent, what aim!  "I was worried that scoring might turn the momentum in our favor, which could ruin our reputation, so I made a split-second decision," said sniper Bob Coates.  Good thinking, as the 7-0 win by the Northstars could easily have gone the other way.

12/15/05 Dominate!

It was a one-sided game that the Woodies dominated.  That particular game wasn't that same ol' same ol' game that puts so much misguided emphasis on the score (which was K2 3, Woodies 1).  No sir.  The game the Woodies dominated was all about the penalties.  They owned the penalty box.  They became personal friends with the scorekeeper.  They got so used to having four players that a fifth guy just got in the way.  By the way, if you need to get mail to Bill Elberty, send it c/o Union Arena, Penalty Box, Woodstock Vermont.

12/8/05 Defending Honor

In tonight's game the Woodies decided to work on defensive zone coverage, and exceeded expectations by allowing the puck to leave the zone on only a few rare occasions.  Nevertheless the game could have gone either way, ending up 7-1 in favor of the NoNames.  A referee inquired whether the Woodies were punishing their own goalie for some reason, but clearly he was not aware of the previously mentioned game plan.

12/1/05 Welcome Back

After a brief foray into unfamiliar winning territory, the Woodies returned to their tried and true formula of consistent underperformance, succumbing 3-1 to the Wise Guys. Shooting more blanks than a starter pistol or a dysfunctional transvestite, the Woodies were repeatedly turned away by the wise play of the goalie guy, but like good Woodies, they kept coming back for more.

Sources who wished to remain anonymous disclosed that the Woodies have developed a new strategy of hiring a high powered lobbyist to improve communications with the referees and scorekeeper.  Asked if this could be viewed as influence peddling, the source claimed, "This isn't about bribing officials with really cool Woodies stuff available at the Woodies store [CLICK HERE], or anything like that, it's just about getting a chance to make our case."  The source declined to elaborate on exactly what that case is.

11/24/05 PerfectPerformance

The Woodies turned in an error free performance tonight, with not a single errant pass or poor shot.  The defense never got beat once, and our goalie had his first shut out.  This rewarding accomplishment was aided, in part, by the absence of a game on Thanksgiving day.

In separate news, the Woodies' multi-media brand awareness campaign received a big boost with the addition of a Woodies banner at Union Arena.  With their website, banner, and soon to be released line of apparel, the Woodies have all the components of a great hockey team, with the only missing ingredient being talent.

 

11/17/05 Miracle!

.                 .

The discovery of fire.

    The invention of the wheel.

       The printing press.

            The silicon chip.

                 The fall of the Berlin Wall.

                      The couch.  Beer.  The remote.

                           And now...A WOODIES VICTORY!

Truly historic events are rare.  What amazing times we live in.  On an occasion sure to go down in the annals of, um, well, something, the Woodies overcame a first-time-ever goalie to actually win a game (editor's note - my Woodies edition of spell check did not recognize the word "win"), and only borrowed a couple of Northstars to do it.  The final score against the spirited Off the Green team was 3-2, despite the Woodies' efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, giving up 2-goal leads twice. Woodies were at a loss when it came to knowing how to behave. "I think we're supposed to like, celebrate, or whatever," conjectured all star goalie Rob Rice.  Woodies offensive scoring was up 50% from the previous high, and the team cumulative scoring differential (goals for minus goals against) took a giant leap from -33 to -32. Just goes to show...miracle happens.

11/10/05 Offensive Woodies

"Incredible."  "Astounding."  "Wow."  "Is there a bathroom around here?"  Just a few of the reactions from the Woodies, opposing Northstars, refs, and spectator.  In an amazing performance, the Woodies doubled (yes, you read that right) doubled their offensive output, scoring a season high 2 goals, up 100% from the previous maximum.  "We don't like to brag or anything," said forward Mike Skuro, "but it's hard to be humble when you turn in that kind of performance."  The Woodies weren't just a scoring machine tonight, defensively they held the Northstars to a meager 9 goals, not even double digits.

11/3/05 KO'd by K2 Woodies OK

In a squeaker that came down to the last few seconds, the Woodies finally succumbed 8-1 to K2.  "We were A-OK well into the first 3 or 4 minutes of period 1," said game MVP Ethan Shaw, explaining that at that point the Woodies were almost in the lead at 0-0. 

In separate news, local cable television executives plan to air Woodies game films during prime 3:00 AM programming slots, replacing the action packed series Desperate Cost Accountants.

10/27/05Woodies File Protest

The Woodies filed a formal protest today against unfair practices employed by their competitors in the UAHL.  "How are we supposed to compete when the teams we play use these kind of outrageous techniques?" asked forward Bill Stack.  The charges include, among other atrocities, repeatedly passing the puck to players on their own team, shooting the puck into our net instead of at our goalie, and getting in our way when we skate with the puck.  Stack described the Woodies' reluctance to "rock the boat", but added, "Somebody has to speak up."  A Noname who chose to remain unidentified alluded to a "limp performance" by the Woodies and dismissed the charges as " premature accusation."

In other team news, the Woodies launched a new player morale program dubbed Pursoot of Exelens .

10/20/05This Is Our House!

The Woodies aggressively reclaimed their prime real estate in the basement, bumping the disconsolate Wise Guys out of the position.  "This is OUR basement!" asserted Jay Mead.  "Nobody takes away OUR basement!"  League standings now show the Woodies as the team to beat.  Everyone has so far.

10/13/05Top Secret Plan Working

The Woodies' clandestine stealth plan to raise the competition's sense of security took a giant leap forward tonight as they came in second in a 7 to 1 game against Off the Green.  "Right where we want them," commented ace forward Greg Labella.  "There's nothing like giving up 6 goals in the first period to create a sense of over-confidence for the other guys."  Game highlights (captured on local cable TV) included so-called "defenseman" John Chester being responsible for a hat-trick, which he said "would have been even better if it were a hat-trick for our team."

Appreciative fans promote the team motto

10/6/05Practically a Victory

In front of a sellout crowd of 000,004, the Woodies crushed the Northstars, last year's team to beat.  "Crushed" may be a slight overstatement, as the score was 3-1 with the Northstars getting the 3.  If this had been golf, however, the Woodies' lower score would have prevailed.  Among highlights too numerous to mention, this night's Oscar goes to Don "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" Seville for drawing two penalties.

10/5/05 Getting Up for the Season

The Woodies plan to build on the success of last season’s 3-24 win-loss record. “No matter how good you are, there’s always room for improvement,” said wing Steve Drebber. Some of the aggressive objectives include clearing the puck out of the defensive zone at least once each period, and completing two successive passes in a row. The team also hopes to transfer their solid forechecking and offensive penetration from the barroom onto the ice.

 

more poorly written articles on the losing streak...